Archive | October 2012

I Know You Want Me

  Why is it that when you are single, nobody will give you a second look? But let you land in a committed relationship, all of a sudden, everybody and their mama wants to get with you! It’s like people can sniff out when a person is unavailable. Suddenly, you’re more attractive, been working out, or applied more make up. And then what is their response when you explain that you’re taken? “So.” “What does that have to do with me?” And my favorite, “You can’t have friends?” I swear if I hear that last one one more time, that person’s getting slapped for sure!

I think that it’s quite ironic how people could hit on you and want you to themselves when you’re in a relationship, but then if you were to drop your mate for them, then they wouldn’t trust you. So my question is, what’s in it for you? The chase? The thrill? To see how far you can go?

Another twist. What I also find interesting is how you hear more and more about married people stepping out on their spouse for another married person. My hair dresser and I were discussing this topic last week. I’m tired of hearing how someone’s wife broke up with her boyfriend and now wants to go and work it out with her husband. Huh?? Your playthang didn’t work out so now you want to crawl back home? No thanks. Married people guess what? It’s not always the single friend that you’ve gotta keep your eye on. Just as likely, or maybe even more, you’ve gotta watch the ones who are married with or without a ring on.

Like I said, I don’t know what it is about a taken man or woman. Maybe it’s the pheromones, the chase, or the game. If you’re in a relationship, someone’s going to throw it at you, but how are you going to respond?

OMG LOL

  Texting has to be one of the greatest technology inventions ever. It’s convenient. Immediate. If you can’t talk on the phone at that moment, shoot a text. Got one word to say, text it. You get the picture. It’s to the point where I can have a whole conversation and be totally content or almost prefer it. But sometimes, there are some conversations that should not be lessened to text. And if you were bold enough to do these first six things, then shame on you!

Top six things NOT to put in a text (not in any particular order):

1. Break up- You should never break up with someone through text. That’s just flat out wrong. ‘Nuff said.

2. STD- Do I really need to explain this? Okay, I’ll just say this. Putting another person’s life in jeopardy and then having the audacity to sum some heartbreaking news like this in a text is scandalous. Put on your big boy draws/ big girl panties and actually talk to that person.

3. Affair- Umm… you are literally letting the air out of a person’s tire when this is done. This is never okay and this is the type of act that would leave a person scarred for life. Not only are you admitting to cheating, which is devastating enough, but you cowardly place that confession in a text. Your partner deserves more than that. Even if it’s to get back at them, it’s not a good look. Period.

4. Pregnancy (especially unplanned)- The words “I’m pregnant” said to a guy (unless the baby was planned) is already earth shattering, but now you want to text that?? I can’t even think of a good enough reason to do this. Just don’t.

5. Death/ serious illness- I could see if the person is not close to you. Okay, whatever. But NOBODY should get a text that says, “Oh yeah, did you know that your sister died?” “We’re burying your brother tomorrow.” “Dad’s dead.” Are you serious?? Once that initial shock of the passing wears off, cuss that person out til there’s no tomorrow!

6. Marriage Proposal- That would get an automatic NO in all caps. And then, “Are you serious” would follow up.

 

Top three things that ARE acceptable (if they were stated verbally first; not in any particular order):

1. “Stay away from me.” Sometimes people need things said verbally and in writing to really get the message. This is one of those things. All caps is very effective too.

2. “Don’t call me anymore.” Self explanatory.

3. “I love you.” I included this because this should be said when there are mutual feelings involved. It becomes awkward when someone professes their love and you feel nothing. Then there’s a problem.

If you have difficulties wondering whether or not to put something in a text, then you probably should not. Think of it like this. Would you want to hear these type of things through text if the shoe was on the other foot. Ladies and gentlemen, you have to consider other people’s feelings some times.

When is Enough Enough?

  Everyone has their own tolerance level when it comes to relationships. Some people leave as soon as they hit a rough patch. Some people stay and weather way too many storms. And some know when enough is enough. But what about those who stay a lot longer than their shelf life? Tonight, I want to talk about a semi-sensitive subject of domestic violence. I say “semi-sensitive” because there are some of us who know someone who is or has gotten abused, is an abuser themselves or knows of an abuser, or simply has strong views on the subject.

For starters, when the topic of abuse is brought up, many people assume that there was a physical confrontation. But ‘abuse’ is much more than that. There are four main types of abuse in relationships:

1. Physical- hitting, pushing, slapping, biting, throwing objects

2. Sexual- rape, forcing foreign objects onto/into a non consenting person, underage, exploitation

3. Emotional/mental- intimidation, cause psychological trauma (ex. depression, anxiety), isolation

4. Verbal- insults, constant put-downs (alone and in front of others)/degrading

Most people say “Why doesn’t (s)he just leave them?” Or “They must like getting mistreated.” I was one of those people, and mostly still am, but I learned a little bit about the other side of the story. I had this one class in grad school- I can’t remember the name of it, but I can remember the teacher and the classroom. My professor was also a therapist and she talked off and on about this client she had who was in an abusive marriage. She worked with her for years and became frustrated with the lack of progress the client was making. One day, the client told my teacher that she might as well stay. My teacher couldn’t believe it and neither could the class. She stated that she didn’t want to leave for fear of being killed. She went on to explain that either way, he could kill her- if she stayed, he could beat her to death, or if she left, he could find her and kill her for leaving. So she reasoned that she would rather stay because she learned her husband’s moods and what pushed his buttons, and she tried to prevent whatever she could to keep him happy. For some reason, this concept stayed with me for at least seven years (and counting).

There are other motives as to why victims stay. “Because I still love him”, staying for the children, they attract abusers (each person they date abuses them one way or another), or they have been brainwashed (of course people who get abused don’t know that they’ve been brainwashed, but outsiders know). Self-blame and feelings of loss of control lead most victims to make excuses for their abusers and to stay in this type of relationship.

So if you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, encourage them to seek help, especially if children are involved. Victims have an incredible journey ahead of them by working through the feelings of inadequacy, self-blame, and shame. And most importantly, be supportive and try not to judge. Sometimes it isn’t always a ‘get up and walk out’ type of situation.

Real Love

  Do you believe in love at first sight? And I am talking love not lust. I have had this conversation with numerous people and I have maintained my position… absolutely not! Now granted, I am not here to tell you whether you should or should not believe in it, it’s just my opinion. In general, I think that ‘love at first sight’ is garbage. So, let me tell you why.

For starters, for lack of better terms, I “bloom” late. Meaning, I cannot and have not ever fallen in love within a month of time. I need to have known, been around, and dated you for months before I can even form those types of thoughts. Here, time is of the essence. I need that time to build feelings, to build trust, and to build a relationship. With ‘love at first sight’, there’s literally no time to get to know a person. You could be locking eyes with a serial killer, but guess what? You didn’t take that time to get to know his homicidal tendencies.

Next, let’s look at “the look.” When you are giving someone “the eye”, it does not automatically mean, “I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life.” Please. That look means,’ I’m interested. Come over here and talk to me.” The only time when that look means more is in the movies or on television. How many times have you seen a character’s eyes bug out as huge red hearts with their mouths gaped open? So for the people who actually believe in this, is that how ya’ll really look? I’m just curious.

And lastly, there are times when your mind separates from your actions and your heart. For example, your mind says no, your heart is indecisive, and your body allows you to go home with a stranger since you’re feeling frisky. So in this case, how can you tell wholeheartedly that you are truly feeling love and not lust when you see the man or woman of your dreams (or so you think)? What if you begin dating the person you supposedly fell in love with and find out that they are married, they are really ugly inside, they are abusive (abusers are charmers), and so on. Then what? Would you stay because you fell in love? “He or she was so perfect, what happened?” Or would you doubt that your original feelings were really love?

I would like to take the time to invite all of the readers who truly believe in love at first sight to share why they believe in it. C’mon…don’t be shy;)