Archive | February 2013

Written in Stone

???????????????????????????????????????  Men open all doors and pay for everything. Men set up the dates. Women should be coy and eat salads at dinner. Do these same rules for dating apply in 2013 as they did in the 50s? We are in a new day of age and require a new set of rules, ladies and gentlemen. Do I believe that men should still be opening doors? Yes. I think that men should still be required to be men and more importantly, gentlemen. Do I believe that men should be making all the decisions about the date? No. Just as we have a new breed of rules, we also have a different breed of women. We don’t have to wait for a man to ask us out, and ordering for us is totally unacceptable.

My question is… What exactly is acceptable dating behavior? One of the “rules” state that once you go out on a date, you wait a day or two for the man to follow-up and schedule another date for the following weekend or week. I have a friend who thought I was crazy because I went on a first date, then turned around and went on the second date the next day. But guess what, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years since that first date. A girlfriend of mine met someone in a bar and saw each other everyday since, then married two years later. So the scheduling a date a week or two later is for the birds. Do what you feel is right. If you made that connection and your date wants to see you the next day, go for it (unless it seems out of desperation).

Another rule that I’d like to dispute is the picking the woman up from the house. I have an issue with this when it’s the first couple of dates. You don’t need to know where I live early on, especially when it comes to safety. What if we go out and don’t have a great time? You ended up being a jackass and a severely disturbed man. You picked me up from the house on the first date and now you’re extra salty because we’re not going out again. Now I have ol’ boy doing drive-bys and stalking me at my place because I didn’t get to know him before he got to see my place. No sir! Long story short. There are a lot of crazy people out there who are disguised as well-mannered ladies and gentlemen. Don’t put on your blinders at the beginning. Don’t ignore those red flags that you complain about to your girlfriend when you get home from the date!

What are some dating rules that you have broken? I only discussed two but I know there are a ton more!

So Over It

depressed  Everyone needs time to get themselves together once they’ve experienced a break up, especially if their heart was in it. The amount of time varies, but a person has to be reasonable. A three month romance should not be “mourned” for a year. What you do is take time to reevaluate choices, yourself, and future endeavors. Below I have some tips on ways to move on after a break up (as usual, they are not in any particular order).

+ Talk about it→ This could be to your friends, close family members, a therapist, pastor, etc. Your feelings need to be discussed and handled before things get out of hand (for example, blow up over something little or jump into another relationship soon after). Now, let me be clear. This does not mean that you should talk anybody to death; for instance, call your friends several days in a row crying for weeks. I mean, talk it out, but don’t become a bugaboo.

+ Write a letter→ This letter should include everything you want to get off your chest, but here’s the catch. Don’t send it. Sending it will encourage the communication you don’t need in order to move on. Instead, destroy it. Rip it up, shred it, or burn it if you have to (and if you are careful). If this is what you need to get closure, whatever ‘closure’ means, then do it.

+ Spend time with family and friends→ Make up for the time you lost when you were dating the wrong person. Lean on your social support system. They will also keep you from doing something stupid when you want to get even, rekindle, or ask for ‘closure.’ (I’m sorry, I have to put closure in single quotation marks because I don’t really believe in it. Even if you have that crucial conversation that ties up loose ends, we women will overanalyze that conversation to death and then the closure convo becomes an open wound.).

+ Keep busy→ Get more involved with your church or take a class (academic, exercise, or any other that would keep your mind off your ex and strengthen your bond with yourself).

+ Journal→ When you feel like you’ve talked your friends to death, they stopped taking your calls, or it’s not an appropriate time to call anybody, write it out. Keep a diary or journal for your feelings, ideas, thoughts, etc. This is definitely a healthy way to find your voice without sounding desperate and pitiful to anybody else. You can say whatever you want without being judged. Just make sure that you keep it in a safe place.

+ Don’t get involved with someone else before you are healed→ When you get involved with someone else while your feelings are still raw, it’s not going to work unless it’s strictly physical. Even then, you could sleep with somebody else and fall for them because you’re feeling vulnerable. Wait until you are truly ready before inviting someone else into your web. Nobody likes baggage or to be used.

+ Change your number→ Some of us have exes that can’t let go and save our numbers forever so that they can call or text whenever they feel like it. You know the ones that can sense when you have moved on or could possibly be happy, then they call or text you out of the blue. I miss you. I love you. Whatever. Block them, change your number, or do what you need to do in order to get them out of the way. I had an ex who thought that it was enough to listen to my voice on my voicemail since I ignored his calls. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

+ Stop wondering→ You know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re wondering what they’re doing, what they’re thinking about, if they are thinking about you. Then you find out that they have moved on. You then start wondering what he or she looks like, how did they get their attention, what do they have that you don’t. You are giving way too much attention and power to someone who was not the one for you. You are keeping yourself from finding Mr. or Ms. Right and rebuilding a healthy new you. Stop it. It’s time to focus on you. End of story.