Archive | July 2013

So Toxic

???????????????????????????????????????  Ever have one that got away? You just knew he or she was The One. You already mapped out your wedding and your children’s names. So there’s just one question… why do you keep breaking up?

Everyone has that ex that you can’t get rid of, but have you ever been on the other side? Where the ex can’t get rid of you? They dog you out and use you, but you think that they are ‘just playing’ or ‘too busy’ to call back, commit, or ask you out again. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Until you are in that situation.

What if you tell a person you like them and their response is, “I’m flattered” and calls you back whenever? What if you go to visit them (in a different state) and they are too busy to see you more than once within a week’s time, OR if you happen to be visiting the area and they say, “Cool,  we should hook up” and they are nowhere to be found? What if you get burned (catch an STD) by your mate and you still go back to them?

All of these questions lead to one answer…you’re playing yourself. Not just once, because it never happens just one time. But over and over again. So my question to the people who are addicted to toxic people and situations is what’s wrong with you? Trust me, I’m not judging because I’ve been there. You know you’re getting hurt yet again, but you are in too deep to pull yourself out of this destructive behavior and/or relationship. You don’t see yourself getting out because this person is so perfect except they don’t call, text, date… . You get the picture.

Some of the reasons we go through this rough period of time is because we are settling, are comfortable, have low self-esteem, or don’t know what true love feels like. Dating is hard, I get it. But there’s nothing worse than settling for someone who is not worth your time, effort, and energy. If the next day after seeing this person, you don’t like the way you feel, then better luck next time because they aren’t The One. Do yourself a favor. Cleanse yourself of the toxic relationship and of the bad energy you have allowed in your mind, body, and soul. Sometimes it’s easier said than done, but it’s oh so worth it.

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The Tunnel

depression  Down in the dumps or just ‘sad’ cannot begin to describe a common mental health disease which effects one out of ten adults. Depression is a serious illness that is not taken as seriously as it should. Some believe that it’ll go away on its own. Or, “I’m not talking to no shrink.” Either way, problems don’t get solved and those individuals go undiagnosed, under the radar, or worse, wish for death. There are numerous types and symptoms of the disease.

Types

Major Depression: Clinical, long lasting, and debilitating.

Bipolar Depression: (This seems to be a fad. Not everyone who has mood swings has bipolar depression.). Here you have major ups (known as mania or manic episodes) and major lows (depression) which alternate.

Cyclothymia: Mild version of bipolar disorder.

Dysthymia: Chronic (more than two years), but less severe than Major Depression.

Seasonal Depression (SAD): This begins at the same time each year based on the season.

Postpartum: Depression kicks in usually one month after mothers give birth.

Atypical: Mild depression with bouts of happiness.

Psychotic: A mix of depression and psychotic features (i.e. hallucinations or delusions).

Situational: Basically, if you weren’t experiencing a particular situation, you wouldn’t have depression symptoms (ex. unemployment, health issues, mourning a death).

Symptoms

Overwhelming sadness, withdrawn, mood swings, crying episodes, appetite and sleep changes (too much or too little), suicidal thoughts, giving away possessions, feeling of worthlessness and feeling hopeless, void of feelings, loss of interest in activities, decreased energy. Children and teens may refuse to go to school, claim to have a lot of aches and pains, sulk a lot, or be clingy.

What’s Next

Some people hate taking pills. Some people don’t want to talk. There’s no cure all when it comes to depression. There are many things that you can do, but sitting back and waiting for the chips to fall as they may is not one of them (especially when children and teenagers are taking their own lives due to this disease).

– Talk with a mental health specialist (social worker, psychiatrist, counselor, therapist). That’s what they are trained to do. It is also part of their oath to be nonjudgmental. I know pride is why a lot of people don’t turn to professionals, but when you need help you need help.

– If you don’t talk to a professional, talk to someone who is close. It’s not healthy to keep everything bottled up. And believe it or not, communication is very therapeutic.

– Get prescription anti-depressants. You would have to see a psychiatrist for the prescription (and maybe even a therapist too).

– Don’t go at it alone, especially if you are suicidal. Spend time with family and friends who truly care about your well-being. Being alone at this time in particular is not safe.

-If you know someone who is depressed, don’t ignore the signs. Listen to them, be there, and encourage them to seek professional help (especially if they are suicidal or worse, homicidal). Depression is way deeper than just being sad or grumpy. It’s something to take seriously.

Not My Mama

block  Last week I talked about being in a relationship and not liking your partner’s child. Blended families can be difficult, but even tougher when you don’t like your boyfriend or girlfriend’s tot. But what happens if it’s the other way around?

You’ve seen movies like Are We There Yet? and Bebe’s Kids  where the child/children go buckwild because they believe that you are replacing their mom or dad. Of course it’s all giggles when looking from the outside in, but what about when you’re actually in that situation? I think not.

Well, two things parents should keep in mind. First things first… talk to your children. That goes without saying, but as a parent, you should address all concerns. Open communication helps ALL relationships, not just parent/child, but in this case, this is so important. Find out why your child doesn’t like your new squeeze. Do they have a valid point? Or do they clash because they have different styles of dress?

Secondly, as a parent, and equally important, do NOT introduce your child to every Tom, Dick, and Harry or Sally, Mae, Tina. Your children should only meet a person who is significant to you and when the relationship is long term. If there’s a stamped of partners through the house, your children may believe that that’s the way relationships work. No child wants to believe that their mother or father is loose.

What are your thoughts?

Not My Child

divide  Everything’s perfect. You meet the man or woman of your dreams. Your relationship is headed in the right direction. And you can’t imagine experiencing true happiness in life without your significant other. There’s just one catch…their child.

How do you deal with a child of your mate’s that you don’t like? Do you play pretend? Do you voice your opinion to your boyfriend/girlfriend? Do you sit the child down and talk to them?

Two things should definitely happen if this situation were to occur. One thing for sure is that you better make sure that things are squared away before your relationship becomes permanent. Don’t bring unnecessary drama into a marriage. Marriage is tough enough. Secondly, be respectful. It doesn’t matter if the child is a newborn or fifty. The child is an extension of your mate, so attempting to hurt their offspring, verbally or physically, is a big no-no on so many levels.

Is blending families easy? Not really, but of course it’s easier when everybody likes each other. But, not every blended family is that lucky. I read a book by one of my favorite authors (Kimberla Roby) last week in regards to this type of situation. There was a married couple and the husband had an affair a couple years before and produced a child. The couple ended up taking the child in because the little girl’s mother was very ill and eventually passed. The wife was so beside herself that she wished harm on the innocent three-year-old and went as far as to ignoring her every time the child talked to her because she absolutely hated her husband’s offspring.

Now granted, this is a different type of situation, but all in all, what is the right way to deal with a child who is biologically not yours and you can’t get along with? Any thoughts?