Archive | October 2013

Open For Business

open  More and more these days you hear about couples who enjoy having their cake and eating it too- with permission. What I’m talking about is participating in open relationships. When it comes to marriage, what makes a person secure enough to engage in this type of arrangement? Do these couples not like the thought of monogamy or believe that they can’t stay monogamous? Is there a difference between having an open relationship versus swinging?

Someone wrote to one of my favorite authors to ask for advice. In a nutshell, she met this guy and later found out that he had a live-in girlfriend. The girlfriend called her and they compared notes about the last few months or so of them dating. Together, they confronted the guy and he wanted to stay with both women, and eventually the couple asked the woman to move in with them (kids and all).

Many couples who come out or are even accused of being swingers are harshly criticized (ex. Will and Jada, MoNique and her husband). Some believe that they are incapable of loving their partner since they are having sex with others. Some think that they just get around (swingers or not, it doesn’t mean that they think about or look for sex all the time). Some believe that it’s not a committed marriage.

In the open and swinging couple’s defense, maybe a little spice spruces up their marriage. Maybe it’s for couples where one of the partners cannot have sex (for example, one person is paralyzed or just doesn’t enjoy sex, so they allow their partner to self indulge). Maybe they just like experimenting and exploring.

Some questions to consider (if you’re thinking about participating): 1). How will you feel after; 2). Is everything fair game or are there still cheating rules; 3). What if the freedom feels too good and you don’t want your partner anymore? Also, not only are you bringing another person into your bed, but increasing the possibility of STD’s, unwanted pregnancies, etc.

Now granted, I’m not particularly for this type of arrangement, but I’m just trying to gain some understanding about it. Can anybody share some insight?

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Just Shut Up

frustrated  A lot of times, people fear becoming the grouchy old person that people hate (and the hate is definitely mutual) because they constantly fuss about things that they don’t like. I’m not one of those people. Slowly but surely my tolerance level has become more and more like a grouchy old person’s, and quite frankly, I don’t give a damn. There are some words and phrases that if I didn’t hear them ever again, I would be on top of the world! Here are the top six most annoying words or phrases that I want to go away ASAP (and this time they are ranked in order).

#6. “Something of that nature”- This may be because an old boss that I didn’t care for used to say this all the time. When this is said in every other sentence, it would bother you too.

#5. “Copacetic”- This is something else I heard constantly repeated and now I hate. This word needs to disappear for LIFE.

#4. “Twerk”- First of all, Miley Cyrus did not invent this. I wish people would stop acting brand new. Obviously, they’ve never seen Strawberry work the pole on Saturday nights. This word is overrated and it’s annoying how now people want to show that they can do it too. Sit down and stop it. As far as I’m concerned, leave it to the professional strippers and stop posting bare-assed pictures of yourself doing this foolishness.

#3. “Keep it 100” or “Keep it real”- If you’re being real, you shouldn’t have to point it out.

#2. “Turn up”- This is one of the most annoying trends off all time. How ‘bout ‘turn off?’

#1. “Must be nice”- This drives me up a wall. Basically, instead of saying, “I’m jealous,” this is a way to pretty it up and it gets on my nerves. Try something a little more positive, you ass.

What would you add?

The Guest List

cake  Weddings are (mostly) beautiful and intimate. But most of all, they are expensive. The last thing an engaged couple needs to worry about is inviting everybody and their mama- literally. Having been through the process recently, I’d like to give a little advice for those who are going through the process themselves. It can be overwhelming trying to figure out who stays on the list and who goes, but the following people should definitely not get a second thought. Here are the top five people to never invite to your wedding.

1. Your jealous friend or “frenemy”… if this is a fake friend or someone who is not truly happy for you taking this major step in your life, they don’t need to be a part of it. You need to reconsider the nature of your friendship and if this person deserves to be in your life.

2. Your ex… your past has no business being invited into your future. Period.

3. Someone you hardly know… this could be a long lost relative, a coworker, or someone you’ve only known for a month. You are paying for their plate of food. And for what?

4. A friend of a friend… you don’t even know them for real! You know them through someone else. How intimate is that?

5. Estranged parents… I understand that this may be harsh, but if your parent hasn’t been a parent and a part of your life, why would you include them in your special day? I’m not talking about you having a fight and you haven’t talked to your mom or dad in a week or two. I’m talking three plus years. They won’t be able to spot you on the street type of deal. You have to be selective in who’s involved in your special day, so save your uninvolved parent invite for a family reunion.

Me Time

lotion  Years ago, I took a class in Marriage & Other Intimate Relationships. Being the lover that I am of psychology and sociology, I was drawn to learn what makes people tick and whatever else I could learn about relationships as a whole. One night in particular, we discussed an aspect of sexuality that I never saw as an issue. Masturbation.

The question was: Is it considered cheating if you masturbate while you’re in a monogamous relationship (I’m not counting dating, just committed relationships and married couples)?

My immediate response was no. I didn’t see what the big deal was and I still don’t. For example, say your partner is out of town and you’re feeling a little frisky. Should you wait until they come back or handle your business? Am I saying that whenever you feel the urge, you should go solo? No. You should always turn to your spouse first. All I’m saying is that I don’t think it’s wrong to take care of yourself from time to time.

There was one lady in my class that got really heated during the conversation. We didn’t go back and forth (she did that with someone else though), but we definitely didn’t see eye to eye. She saw it as cheating because “his sperm belonged to me.” Yes, she actually said that. She went on to say that her husband should only have sex with her and nothing or nobody else.

Like I said, I never saw it as a big thing, just as long as it’s not out of control or obsessive. What are your thoughts? Do you view masturbating as cheating?

My Wifey

wife

First of all, there is a bit of a difference between ‘wife’ and ‘wifey’. Let’s just get that out in the open. Wifey is a girlfriend or fiancee that is wife material. Men and women view this role differently. Men could: a. not wife you; or b. consider wifing you or moving in that direction. If you are a wifey, you need to figure out which category you’re in.

Women a lot of times put themselves in category B and start acting as if they have graduated to wife-hood. Ladies- stop it. If you start doing everything a wife does, why should you graduate? Trust me, it’s hard to stay in your role and not cross over. You hungry? Sure, I’ll cook something for us. You need to wash some clothes? Sure you can add your clothes to mine in the washing machine. It becomes really sticky if you cross boundaries, for example, if you live together or if you’ve been together for fifteen years. A man (and sometimes wifey) gets comfortable and sees no point in making the relationship official.

A wife, on the other hand, has the ‘wifey’ duties and some. We have made that commitment to you through God, to be with you forever. Wifey could be there today and get sick of you and peace out tomorrow because she can. A wife is committed to making herself and her husband (and vise versa of course) happy. Wifey could, but they aren’t obligated to. A wife has financial, emotional, spiritual, social and everything personal connected to her husband. Wifey may have one or two out of four (if you have all of the above, you’re doing too much).

Any thoughts? How did you move from wifey to wife or are you stuck in the wifey role?