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Tell It

gossiping  If you’re like me, you like to stay to yourself and mind your business. I don’t like nosy people and I especially don’t like to butt into couples’ relationships. You will always have an opinion about someone else’s relationship, but you don’t know the ins and outs of what happens behind closed doors. Your judgment may also be cloudy when it comes to your friends and protecting their feelings and egos.

My question to you would be, what if you saw your friend’s significant other out with someone else- would you tell your friend? Here’s the thing. There are many different variables as to what would happen if you did or did not tell your friend what you saw. Below are some pros and cons. Anything missing?

PROS

+ You don’t want to see your friend hurt.

+ You truly believe that it would be better for them to know.

+ You know they don’t deserve to be cheated on because they are a good man/woman.

CONS

– What if the person is a family member and not random booty?

– What if you just started up some mess and what you saw wasn’t really them creepin’?

– What if you are friends with both parties and you feel like you have to choose sides? A monkey in the middle type of situation.

TOSS UP

= You don’t want to get involved.

Where do you stand?

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Sharing is Caring?

shh2  I love the phrase, “Sharing is caring,” but sometimes it should not be carried out. Of course you want to swap stories, share an appetizer, and maybe even clothes (some of you). But there are three things in particular that you should not share with friends (or even best friend).

1). Talk about sex: Sure sharing juicy details is very entertaining and sometimes fun, but the line has to be drawn somewhere. If you talk too much about how great it feels when he throws your leg up or she strokes you, then maybe they want to see for themselves. Sometimes less is better…and this is one of those times.

2). Your mate: I shouldn’t have to spell this out, and especially not why you shouldn’t share who you’re married to or in a relationship with. It’s trifling to mess with a friend’s mate, period.

3). Toys: And I’m not talking about Tonka. First of all, that’s gross. Secondly, it’s not sanitary. I can’t even see a scenario I would be in where this would even be a question, but hey, shit happens…with other people.

How did everything become sex related?? Definitely not on purpose. Is there anything else you would add to the list?

Open For Business

open  More and more these days you hear about couples who enjoy having their cake and eating it too- with permission. What I’m talking about is participating in open relationships. When it comes to marriage, what makes a person secure enough to engage in this type of arrangement? Do these couples not like the thought of monogamy or believe that they can’t stay monogamous? Is there a difference between having an open relationship versus swinging?

Someone wrote to one of my favorite authors to ask for advice. In a nutshell, she met this guy and later found out that he had a live-in girlfriend. The girlfriend called her and they compared notes about the last few months or so of them dating. Together, they confronted the guy and he wanted to stay with both women, and eventually the couple asked the woman to move in with them (kids and all).

Many couples who come out or are even accused of being swingers are harshly criticized (ex. Will and Jada, MoNique and her husband). Some believe that they are incapable of loving their partner since they are having sex with others. Some think that they just get around (swingers or not, it doesn’t mean that they think about or look for sex all the time). Some believe that it’s not a committed marriage.

In the open and swinging couple’s defense, maybe a little spice spruces up their marriage. Maybe it’s for couples where one of the partners cannot have sex (for example, one person is paralyzed or just doesn’t enjoy sex, so they allow their partner to self indulge). Maybe they just like experimenting and exploring.

Some questions to consider (if you’re thinking about participating): 1). How will you feel after; 2). Is everything fair game or are there still cheating rules; 3). What if the freedom feels too good and you don’t want your partner anymore? Also, not only are you bringing another person into your bed, but increasing the possibility of STD’s, unwanted pregnancies, etc.

Now granted, I’m not particularly for this type of arrangement, but I’m just trying to gain some understanding about it. Can anybody share some insight?

On The Side

shh  “You can have a piece of my love.” Guy boldly released this 1988 song, “Piece of My Love,” which described a sexual relationship on the side. Is this type of relationship truly satisfying for the chick or the dude on the side? Of course the person in the middle is having their cake and eating it too, but what about the one on the side. How do they interpret the relationship and themselves? This is why I even bother asking.

If you have ever been in the position where you had to fight your mate for their attention because you thought they were cheating (or they actually have been), I’m sure you’re wondering why I would even want to know the other side of the story. But there’s a reason for everything.

My initial thought would be, why would anyone want to settle for second best? But there are a couple of reasons why.

a. Gain- Financial, social, emotional, etc. The Side Piece (SP) uses the person to get whatever it is that they are lacking, whether they truly need it or not.

b. Loneliness- SP needs to feel the warmth of somebody, or really anybody that will provide it, without regards to who they may be with.

c. Need drama in their life- One of those types of people that need a lot more spice in their life than the average person. SP likes the thrill of almost getting caught or perhaps even wants to in order to one up the girlfriend or boyfriend.

What this all boils down to is selfishness. There’s a reason as to why people get involved in an unavailable person, but what do they think of themselves for doing it? In this case, I believe that you have two types of people.

a. You have the smug. Smug Sally gets a kick out of sleeping their way to something (whether it be to a better position at work, to getting better gifts than wifey, to being wisked off to Hawaii). This is the same person who gets joy out of knowing that she can spill anytime and ruin the family.

On the flip side…

b. You have the nervous. Nervous Nancy would probably kill herself if she got caught. She has bad nerves, but her partner is her weakness. She knows that it’s wrong and she feels hella guilty, but can’t stop…just…yet.

I’m not here to say what is right or wrong, but a clear conscious provides a much better sleep. One thing that I will say is that Side Pieces don’t get love, they are just convenient. Smug Sally might enjoy using others, but it’s really her that’s getting played.

Would You Ever…

risk  When listening to the news or even just surfing the internet, you will come across some stories that seem so unbelievable that you will either be grossed out, it spurs conversation, or makes you feel really normal. So my question is, in the following situations, would you date this type/kind of person.

Would you ever date a person who…

– Cross dresses?

– Had a sex change (while you were with them)?

– Had a sex change (before you met)?

– Had a homosexual relationship/experience (if you are heterosexual)?

– Is a sexual predator?

– A drug abuser?

– A woman abuser?

– Has a sexually transmitted disease that you can’t get rid of?

– Is currently married?

– Abuses children?

The Green Monster

hulk  People usually associate the color green with money or even their favorite color. The green I want to discuss is jealousy.

I want to begin by first clearing up a misconception… it does not show that you care. More often than not, it shows that you are either crazy, irrational, controlling, or all of the above. For example, because your ex-girlfriend cheated on you, you won’t “allow” your current girlfriend to have male platonic friends (not the ‘platonic’ friends you just met five days ago, the lifelong friends). Or you walk by a stranger on the street and say hello with a smile. Your girlfriend assumes that you are flirting and chastises you about being too friendly with everyone you meet. With care comes trust. You can’t always assume the worst, because if it’s that deep, then you shouldn’t be together. If you have to check phones (or phone records), go through pockets, check draws, etc. then, not only are you crazy, it is unhealthy, irrational, and they’ve gotta go to bring you some peace of mind (and I’m sure they want peace too). However, if you exhibit this type of behavior with everybody you date, then you need to seek professional help before you drag another person into your web of craziness.

So, where does jealousy come from? Well, I tend to think that jealousy stems from three main themes:

  • Insecurity
  • People doing their own dirt
  • Just not a trusting person

First and foremost, there are no perfect people and there are no perfect relationships. In a previous article, I talked about sacrificing something in order to get the person that you want. Everybody and every relationship is lacking something to make them not exactly perfect, but wonderful enough to be with. For example, you maybe be looking for someone who is six foot seven and is rich and packin’. Instead, you end up with a six foot two man, who lives within his means with an average-sized tool. Cool. But here’s the tricky part. You know that your woman was looking for someone hung like a horse and taller, so you get uptight every time you go to a basketball game, and her going to strip clubs is simply out of the question. Insecurity is what drives people to do crazy things. You don’t feel that you measure up so you have to assert your dominance by checking your girl every time she comes home. You’re so jealous that you’re not even thinking straight. You’re so focused on what could’ve happened instead of being in the present or reality. Tsk tsk tsk.

In regards to dirt… my mother gave me some helpful advice years ago and I find this to be true in many situations. If you constantly accuse or question somebody about them being with another person, you are the one who’s doing it. That is the type of person who is on edge and lashes out when they feel that you are close to catching them. They feel guilty about what they’re doing, so instead of fixing the problem by getting rid of their side piece, they think that you are doing the same thing and want to make you feel the pain. Does this make sense? It doesn’t to me, but there’s truth to it. Think about it. If you have that nagging feeling in the back of your head that your partner is cheating AND you’re repeatedly getting accused of doing the cheating? You might want to trust your gut and move on.

And lastly, people use the excuse all the time about being hurt in the past. Who hasn’t over the age of sixteen experienced heartbreak? We all have been hurt, but there’s no excuse of bringing old baggage into the next relationship. If your last boyfriend cheated, don’t automatically assume that the next boyfriend and the one after will cheat too. Who wants to be punished before they commit the crime? “Last time, my girlfriend cheated on me with her running partner, so I won’t my new woman join a gym.” This is just dumb. You will drive someone to do the very thing you don’t want them to do with this attitude.

All in all, jealousy is a controlling and extremely unattractive behavior that is sometimes learned, but widely practiced. It is normal to have a slight twinge of jealousy every now and then, in friendships and relationships, but when it gets to people not wanting to be themselves around you or nobody can stand to be around you for extended periods of time, you should seriously get professional help.

Holiday in the Dumps

grinch  Is it okay to break up with your mate during the holidays? I would like to play devil’s advocate for this topic. For the most part, I believe that it would be a heart breaking thing to deal with- if they were someone special. I mean, who would want to be by themselves intentionally for the holiday season, have to worry about returning a gift (especially if it’s a nonrefundable gift), or have no other family in the general vicinity to spend the holidays with.

Some people break up before the Christmas on purpose just so they won’t have to buy a gift, which is trifling. Now don’t get me wrong, Christmas is not simply just about buying gifts (check out my last blog “The Spirit of Christmas” if you haven’t read it already), but it is the season of giving something.

There are times when maybe you should just stick it out until Christmas passes, for example, you love them a lot more than them getting on your nerves. You don’t want to spend too much time with them and a couple more days won’t kill you, but after those few days, you can then give them the boot. There is a break between Christmas and New Year’s but you have to act fast. Or if you already scheduled a trip and want to wait until after New Year’s to break up since you don’t want to lose the money that you spent on airfare, hotel arrangements, etc., then wait a couple more if it doesn’t kill you.

On the contrary, there are some instances where waiting should not be in the cards, for example, when there is abuse involved, cheating, the sight of them makes you physically ill, or any other case that’s similar. If your happiness and sanity are in jeopardy then you shouldn’t wait, even if it happens on Christmas Day. Now just like the last blog, don’t go blaming me for your breakup saying that ‘Klove said it was okay to kick you to the curb on Christmas because you were tripping.’ What I’m saying is your happiness (your children’s happiness comes first if you have any) and sanity are very important and if you don’t take that into consideration, then you are damaging your livelihood and your mental health. Please keep this in mind and choose what’s best for you.

Happy Holidays everyone. Be safe and make some good decisions:)