Holiday in the Dumps

grinch  Is it okay to break up with your mate during the holidays? I would like to play devil’s advocate for this topic. For the most part, I believe that it would be a heart breaking thing to deal with- if they were someone special. I mean, who would want to be by themselves intentionally for the holiday season, have to worry about returning a gift (especially if it’s a nonrefundable gift), or have no other family in the general vicinity to spend the holidays with.

Some people break up before the Christmas on purpose just so they won’t have to buy a gift, which is trifling. Now don’t get me wrong, Christmas is not simply just about buying gifts (check out my last blog “The Spirit of Christmas” if you haven’t read it already), but it is the season of giving something.

There are times when maybe you should just stick it out until Christmas passes, for example, you love them a lot more than them getting on your nerves. You don’t want to spend too much time with them and a couple more days won’t kill you, but after those few days, you can then give them the boot. There is a break between Christmas and New Year’s but you have to act fast. Or if you already scheduled a trip and want to wait until after New Year’s to break up since you don’t want to lose the money that you spent on airfare, hotel arrangements, etc., then wait a couple more if it doesn’t kill you.

On the contrary, there are some instances where waiting should not be in the cards, for example, when there is abuse involved, cheating, the sight of them makes you physically ill, or any other case that’s similar. If your happiness and sanity are in jeopardy then you shouldn’t wait, even if it happens on Christmas Day. Now just like the last blog, don’t go blaming me for your breakup saying that ‘Klove said it was okay to kick you to the curb on Christmas because you were tripping.’ What I’m saying is your happiness (your children’s happiness comes first if you have any) and sanity are very important and if you don’t take that into consideration, then you are damaging your livelihood and your mental health. Please keep this in mind and choose what’s best for you.

Happy Holidays everyone. Be safe and make some good decisions:)


A Done Deal

  A break up seals the deal and severs ties, right? Yes, it should, but often it does not. Sometimes it leads to more questions, more anger, and more of a need for closure (I hate the concept of ‘closure’, but I guess it’s needed in certain circumstances). In the following cases, I will be describing some of the top five jackass ways people should never break up with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Feel free to add some.

≠ Post-it: To all of my Sex and the City lovers…you know what I’m talking about. The infamous Berger post-it: “I can’t. I’m sorry.” This is just wrong on so many levels. You’re not even worth a full sheet of paper?

Which brings us to…

≠ Mail/letter: This day in age, nobody is writing letters anymore, which is kind of sad, but not in this case. For example, you mail a letter breaking up with your girlfriend. You consider yourself single for the two days the mail is processing without your girlfriend having a clue. That’s cold. I do a better job explaining myself in writing because I have time to think instead of thinking on my feet verbally, but never write a break up letter. If anything, write a “closure” statement once the deed is done the proper way- verbally.

≠ Text: This is just as bad as a post-it. What are you doing? Maybe you don’t want to talk to you boyfriend ever again in life, then how about you call him and tell him that it’s over and get off the phone. A text is meant for a quick message; ex. I’m on my way; see you later; I miss you. No one should ever see, “I hate you. We’re done.”

≠ Through another person: How does this work? Tell their mama, best friend, cousin, whoever that “It’s over” and ask them to relay the message. One word- trifflin. Next!

≠ Just don’t: This is the person who decides to disappear instead of being a grown up and handling their business. This is where the infamous “closure” comes into play. Everything’s just left in the air and you spend more time thinking about what happened and concern for that person (i.e. Is he/she okay? Maybe they were in an accident) than knowing that you guys did indeed break up.

The moral of the story is this. When you speak to someone verbally, you are able to get out all the questions you need, and you get to confess or profess like an adult.

When is Enough Enough?

  Everyone has their own tolerance level when it comes to relationships. Some people leave as soon as they hit a rough patch. Some people stay and weather way too many storms. And some know when enough is enough. But what about those who stay a lot longer than their shelf life? Tonight, I want to talk about a semi-sensitive subject of domestic violence. I say “semi-sensitive” because there are some of us who know someone who is or has gotten abused, is an abuser themselves or knows of an abuser, or simply has strong views on the subject.

For starters, when the topic of abuse is brought up, many people assume that there was a physical confrontation. But ‘abuse’ is much more than that. There are four main types of abuse in relationships:

1. Physical- hitting, pushing, slapping, biting, throwing objects

2. Sexual- rape, forcing foreign objects onto/into a non consenting person, underage, exploitation

3. Emotional/mental- intimidation, cause psychological trauma (ex. depression, anxiety), isolation

4. Verbal- insults, constant put-downs (alone and in front of others)/degrading

Most people say “Why doesn’t (s)he just leave them?” Or “They must like getting mistreated.” I was one of those people, and mostly still am, but I learned a little bit about the other side of the story. I had this one class in grad school- I can’t remember the name of it, but I can remember the teacher and the classroom. My professor was also a therapist and she talked off and on about this client she had who was in an abusive marriage. She worked with her for years and became frustrated with the lack of progress the client was making. One day, the client told my teacher that she might as well stay. My teacher couldn’t believe it and neither could the class. She stated that she didn’t want to leave for fear of being killed. She went on to explain that either way, he could kill her- if she stayed, he could beat her to death, or if she left, he could find her and kill her for leaving. So she reasoned that she would rather stay because she learned her husband’s moods and what pushed his buttons, and she tried to prevent whatever she could to keep him happy. For some reason, this concept stayed with me for at least seven years (and counting).

There are other motives as to why victims stay. “Because I still love him”, staying for the children, they attract abusers (each person they date abuses them one way or another), or they have been brainwashed (of course people who get abused don’t know that they’ve been brainwashed, but outsiders know). Self-blame and feelings of loss of control lead most victims to make excuses for their abusers and to stay in this type of relationship.

So if you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, encourage them to seek help, especially if children are involved. Victims have an incredible journey ahead of them by working through the feelings of inadequacy, self-blame, and shame. And most importantly, be supportive and try not to judge. Sometimes it isn’t always a ‘get up and walk out’ type of situation.

Who Are You?

    Within the last month or two, I have heard different variations of the topic I am going to discuss tonight. Mostly, I’ve heard people talking about mistaking kindness for weakness. But what about the people who take full advantage of a person’s kindness? What type of person would do this without a conscious or a care in the world?

There are some truly genuine people out there, and on the other hand, you have some really spiteful and vindictive people. Why is it that the evil spiteful people try their best to take advantage of others or make it to where they feel that they have the upper hand? Is this to make themselves feel better or to bring you down to their level?  I’ll give you an example. Say for instance a man buys his woman a “just because” gift. She accepts it with open arms (smile and hug included), but talks horribly about her man in the next room to her girlfriend. Not only are you fake, but you’re taking advantage of your man and his sweet gesture.

For the genuine people (for those of us who are left), should we stop being so nice to others or pick and choose who we direct our kindheartedness to? Personally, I don’t believe that I should have to change for anybody. If you want to act like an ass, go right ahead, but don’t involve me. I refuse to change who I am in order to deal with your insecurities. Because what it all boils down to is that people like this (malicious people) have deeper problems and one person is hardly the cause of it. They just take advantage of the opportunity to lash out at people who are harmless.

So my question tonight is this…who are you? Are you genuine or fake? Kind or spiteful? Loving or hateful? Trusting or sneaky? And if you are one of those people that I am talking about, seriously think about your life choices and consider getting some help. There’s only so long that people would want to be stuck around your bitterness, insecurities, and inner shame.