Archives

The Game

h   It’s Saturday night. You’ve got on your tightest pants or shortest dress. Your high heels, dangling earrings, and Mac lip gloss. You and your girlfriends ride together, and within thirty, you arrive at your destination. The club. And as a woman, what do you expect when you first step in? Wack lines. Whomp whomp.

Now granted, I haven’t been out clubbing with my girls in a while. Matter of fact, I have even fallen asleep in a couple because it’s not my thing anymore. But I can guarantee one thing without even having to step back into one- there’s going to be a lot of drunk men with no game.  So fellas, if you do anything on this list… STOP IT IMMEDIATELY!

1. “Hey ma.” For starters, I am not your ma, boo, boo thang, sweet thang, girl, or any other variation. Secondly, you are men. Please have some manners before stepping up on somebody. And lastly, if you don’t know my name and you substitute it with “ma,” it wasn’t meant to be.

2. “Lemme holla at chu.” No.

3. “Why you look so mean?” This line should not be a one size fits all type of deal. You hear this all the time. If you want to say something, bring some substance to the conversation. But think about it for a minute. If you were walking through a crowded, funky room and getting bumped constantly and your feet stepped on or even have a drink spilled on them, you would be frowning too. Or if you’re on a mission, for example, headed to the bar or the bathroom, sometimes you aren’t aware of your facial expressions. So fellas, I’m gonna tell you a little secret. This line is tired and annoying. So stop it!

4. “You can’t have friends?” Are you kidding me? Say the shoe was on the other foot. Say I hook up with my new club friend and we end up in a relationship. Would you be okay with me getting new club “friends?” Hell no! You’re selfish.

5. The nonverbal grab. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m not going to say anything, but instead I’ll just grab your arm, butt, breast, or whatever. I had one guy that was bold enough to jump on my back after I ignored him grabbing my arm and the back of my shirt. This is just totally unacceptable on all levels. Why are you touching me? What do you want? Get your hands off me. All pop into my head when I see or experience this. This is definitely not a turn on. Don’t touch me. Moving on.

6. The stare. This is just creepy. I know you guys are just trying to see if you can catch a woman’s eye, but damn. Didn’t your mama teach you that staring is rude? Staring in any situation is weird and uncomfortable, but add the dark and an active atmosphere to the mix. I’m gonna just think that you’re plain ole crazy or a stalker.

Do you have any weak lines that you can add?

To Be or Not To Be With

couple3   Recently, I’ve had a couple of conversations with a few of friends of mine in regards to dating. Now granted, I am no longer dating, but it is still an interesting topic to discuss. The topic of choice was basically compromise. When you are just stepping into the dating world, you have a couple of things on your wish list that you want in your partner. A few years later, that list grows and grows. When you hit the mid to late twenties, that list becomes damn near impossible for anybody to match (I know that I’m not just talking about the ladies here). If you are still single in your thirties, suddenly, one or two things fall off. Those one or two things are called compromises.

Now, the question is…why can’t I have what I want or why shouldn’t I get exactly what I want? Because, sometimes our standards are set too high. Not to say that you shouldn’t set the bar somewhere. I’m just pointing out that maybe you shouldn’t shoot for the stars and expect perfection.

A week or two ago, (of course I can’t remember who voted and where) on the internet there was a post about the “Perfect Man.” About two thousand women voted, and this fifty-year-old, slightly pudgy man with an accent was the result. They described the type of hair and eyes, what he did for a living, etc., but what they mainly described was physical attributes. (And for the record, the picture I saw of the man was not attractive.) But, just physical attributes and how a person makes money does not make the man.  What if you meet a gorgeous doctor who beats on you? Fine + a well-respected profession≠ does not always mean a good person at heart.

The point is, there is no cookie-cutter perfect guy, but there is a perfect person for each one of us. What’s best for me is not going to be best for you. Sometimes you have to compromise to get that custom made person. And what you choose to compromise is your business, whether it be your religious beliefs, children are already in the picture, their marital status (and I’m talking divorced, single, or maybe separated)- you get the picture. Your “perfect” man or woman could be out there right now that you’re overlooking because they don’t make $100,000 per year or because they don’t own a Bentley. Sometimes we have to give up a lil something to fully achieve and appreciate happiness.

Does Size Really Matter?

Image   For starters, get your mind out of the gutter. I’m not even gonna go there with that touchy subject, but instead I’ll approach another. Ring size. Does how many carats in a ring determine what type of marriage you’ll have? Does it dictate what kind of man a woman is marrying (for example, cheap versus generous)? My answer is no to both and let me tell you why.

Of course most women want a big diamond. Nobody, and let me repeat, nobody is going to ask or secretly wish for a diamond that they cannot see. For one, bigger looks better. And two, bragging rights. Let me repeat, nobody is gonna want to show off a diamond that you need a magnifying glass to see. But here’s the thing. A piece of jewelry does not represent your marriage or what it could be. For example, Tom Cruise presented Katie Holmes with a five carat platinum ring which cost $275,000. Ben Affleck proposed to Jennifer Lopez with a six carat diamond that cost two million. We all know what happened in these two situations, but let me break it down. These guys spent beaucoup money on relationships that didn’t last more than eight years (combined). You cannot put more into an object than a lifelong partnership. Objects do not and cannot determine quality, which is the purpose of marriage not whose is biggest.

Style should be more or less judged more than money spent on a ring. If you know your partner well enough to marry them, then you should be able to pick out their taste. Fellas, I’m going to give you a huge suggestion when it comes to jewelry (maybe even clothes). If you don’t know her exact taste or if you picked something out that you’re unsure of, take a peek in her jewelry box or what she wears. Now granted you shouldn’t buy an exact replica, but simply a similar style.

How much money a man has does not make the man. You could be the richest man in the world and still be a jackass. Or you could be the poorest man in the world and have the most caring heart. Trust me, this article is not an out for men to go out and look for a two hundred dollar ring (before it went on sale) to propose with, but moreso this is an article to point out that money, status, and fanciness do not always produce happiness. It’s what you and your partner contribute to making your marriage work.

Actin Brand New

bubbly   It’s the beginning of a brand new year. If you’re like me, you’ve been thinking, “2013- that’s going to be MY year.” New beginnings, fresh start, clean slate. When you think of January 1st, we automatically start thinking of a list of resolutions that we know full well that aren’t gonna make it past January. So what can we do instead? Instead develop short term and long term goals and maybe even a timeline to help you help yourself. {If you literally moaned and groaned about me asking you to do “too much work,” read this article to its entirety first and then decide your fate:)}

 

What is the point of all this?

The point is to shoot for something. To give yourself direction and purpose. Nobody wants to feel defeated or to walk around and not have a purpose. There’s no better feeling than feeling like you’ve achieved something. A lot of times when we make New Year’s resolutions, we do it verbally. But with goals, these need to be written down and followed step by step. Last year, I wrote a blog about vision boards. These are very much acceptable too. Anything to get your mind and body moving towards success.

 Aren’t goals just like resolutions?

Yes and no. Goals can be things that you want to change or improve, but they are also there to hold you accountable. Accountability is so important. That’s your motivation. You put it in writing, so now you have to back it up. Resolutions, on the other hand, can be broken and forgotten within two weeks.

What am I supposed to do with these goals?

Write them out. Be specific as possible but don’t have too many. Too many goals are just like too many rules in the classroom- overwhelming. Create two or three goals and write out measurable steps to get there. Imagine what it would look like if you accomplished your goals and work backwards, if that helps. After you have written out your goals, you need to display them somewhere; somewhere where you can see them all the time. I recently read somewhere that if other people see what you’re working towards, they might hold you accountable too and maybe even check in every now and then to see if you are still on track.

What do you mean by timeline?

Draw up a timeline of when you want your goals met. For short term goals, maybe goal one can be achieved in three months. After that is out of the way, maybe you can write in goal two for the following month, and so on. For long term goals, you could perhaps make a One Year, Five Year, Ten Year spreadsheet instead. Either way, your timeline needs to be visible so that you can see if you’re on track.

Ladies and gentlemen, just look at this as a blueprint of your future and take it from there. You can’t complain about not getting what you want if you sit back and wait for it to come your way. Sometimes you just gotta go out there and get it yourself. Good luck!

Should I Tell?

couple2   You meet someone. You date. You decide to date exclusively. You have to have the big talk about sex. Should you or should you not talk about your sex history? Now I’m not talking about how many people you’ve bedded, or what so and so did that you really liked in bed. I’m talking about whether you’ve had STDs or not.

This is a serious subject. Now some people believe that the past is in the past and should stay there when you bring a new partner in to play. For the people that you go to bed with casually (meaning a noncommittal relationship, friends with benefits, or a one night stand type of relationship)- maybe you should tell or maybe not, depending on the type of relationship. If you currently have something, not only should you definitely tell, but you should…drumroll please…NOT have sex (no brainer right). But if it’s a one nighter, should you mention that you got burned twelve years ago? Maybe not.

For the person you are planning to settle down with- I believe that you should definitely tell. You should unquestionably be honest with someone who you are serious with. They need to know head on what they are getting themselves into. Keeping open communication in regards to this topic is essential since you will be putting someone’s life at risk once you decide to have sex.

What do you think? Leave it in the past? Mention it only to a spouse not girlfriends/boyfriends who won’t be around for long? Please share your thoughts.

Holiday in the Dumps

grinch  Is it okay to break up with your mate during the holidays? I would like to play devil’s advocate for this topic. For the most part, I believe that it would be a heart breaking thing to deal with- if they were someone special. I mean, who would want to be by themselves intentionally for the holiday season, have to worry about returning a gift (especially if it’s a nonrefundable gift), or have no other family in the general vicinity to spend the holidays with.

Some people break up before the Christmas on purpose just so they won’t have to buy a gift, which is trifling. Now don’t get me wrong, Christmas is not simply just about buying gifts (check out my last blog “The Spirit of Christmas” if you haven’t read it already), but it is the season of giving something.

There are times when maybe you should just stick it out until Christmas passes, for example, you love them a lot more than them getting on your nerves. You don’t want to spend too much time with them and a couple more days won’t kill you, but after those few days, you can then give them the boot. There is a break between Christmas and New Year’s but you have to act fast. Or if you already scheduled a trip and want to wait until after New Year’s to break up since you don’t want to lose the money that you spent on airfare, hotel arrangements, etc., then wait a couple more if it doesn’t kill you.

On the contrary, there are some instances where waiting should not be in the cards, for example, when there is abuse involved, cheating, the sight of them makes you physically ill, or any other case that’s similar. If your happiness and sanity are in jeopardy then you shouldn’t wait, even if it happens on Christmas Day. Now just like the last blog, don’t go blaming me for your breakup saying that ‘Klove said it was okay to kick you to the curb on Christmas because you were tripping.’ What I’m saying is your happiness (your children’s happiness comes first if you have any) and sanity are very important and if you don’t take that into consideration, then you are damaging your livelihood and your mental health. Please keep this in mind and choose what’s best for you.

Happy Holidays everyone. Be safe and make some good decisions:)

The Spirit of Christmas

C  I started reflecting back to a conversation that I had with a girl friend of mine yesterday. We were talking about the holidays. How there’s a big build up and then let down once they’ve passed. How people measure their holidays by how big their gifts are. This type of behavior and/or thinking is what leads some to seasonal depression. But that’s not what Christmas is about. Christmas has been so commercialized that the spirit is definitely not where it should be. There are other ways to give and to still feel good about yourself while feeling that true Christmas spirit again.

-Give Love: Hugs, kisses, time, consideration, effort- all that wrapped up in a bow.

– Give to Others: Donate…time, clothes, money, whatever. There’s always someone who is worse off than you.

– Give homemade gifts: My girl friend mentioned this and I think that this is a great idea. Now, it doesn’t have to look mammy-made, but it does have to be creative and something that the person could truly cherish.

Now fellas, don’t go home telling your wife or girlfriend that Klove suggested that their gift should be a hug. That’s not where I’m going with this. What I’m saying is to give from the heart and those are the best gifts that can restore the spirit.