Tag Archive | Abuse

Dumb Love

roses  I was one of those people who judged Karrueche Tran. I never even heard of her before last year or so, but I (like millions of others– whether we wanted to or not) watched her relationship with Chris Brown play out through the news and social media. Their off and on relationship resembled a broken record. It wasn’t until today that I reached an understanding and feel some sort of genuine sympathy for her.

I was in a similar situation over a decade ago, which I would call the ‘First Love Blues.’ No, I wasn’t abused (and he didn’t have a record of abusing women), and as far as I know, he didn’t have a child during our tenure, but our relationship was like a revolving door. We would be together for a while and everything was peachy, then we would break up, and shortly after that we would get back together. My broken record lasted for about five years and I truly apologize to my friends for having to go through this nightmare with me.

It’s something about that first love. That is your first ride-or-die relationship and one of the most unhealthy ones as well. This is the one where you make excuses for why your mate did what they did; “He just didn’t call me today (or back) because he was busy.” This is the one where they could damn near do or say anything to you and it was okay because you were blinded by love. You may even know that your relationship is toxic, but you’re still drawn to that person. You try to save them, but you can’t. You try to save the relationship, but you realize that you’re the only one that’s trying, and if something happens, they know that you’ll still be right there.

I watched bits and pieces of the trailer to Karrueche Tran’s “Fix My Life.” She admitted to wanting him back “if he changed” and stated that she would wait. To me, this is foolish, but if this is her first love it makes sense, and if she hasn’t reached her breaking point, it makes sense. Until you reach that point where you are totally done and no piece of jewelry, vacation, or question can lure you back in, you too would stay on the roller coaster of hell. The only way to describe the feeling after you release your burden is liberation. For her sake, I hope that she is able to reach that point soon before something terrible happens (ex. have his child, get married). And I hope she realizes that he has to want to change. Sending prayers her way.

Advertisements

New Beginnings

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????  As we have finally reached the new year, you already know what comes with the territory. New Year’s resolutions, including work out goals and a hope to be a better person. What usually follows is the breaking of those resolutions before the close of January. What I propose is something simple- creating a Don’t Bring list. Here are some things you should not bring into the new year if you want a clean slate and a fresh start.

1. Debt- I’m not talking 10Gs in student loans. I’m talking about paying off credit card bills, medical bills, or anything under a grand. Handle that. Whether you set up a payment plan or something. Don’t carry old bills or overdue bills into the new year.

2. Men’s Skinny Jeans- Granted, these shouldn’t have even been made in the first place, but they definitely should not be brought back this year for an encore.

3. Negativity from 2014- Why are you still carrying this baggage? Let it go. If you haven’t dealt with it before, why continue to hang on to it now?

4. Frenemies- Why continue to play nice or pretend to like someone you clearly do not? That just creates negativity, unnecessary drama, and clutter. Stop it and move on.

5. The phrase “turnt up” or any variation- This phase sickens me and needs to be put down for good. Please don’t let it seep into 2015!

6. Using children as pawns- Whether it’s to get back at or with someone, or to punish the child. Let us not forget that children are gifts and were not asked to be created. This past year, so many children made the news because their parent(s) left them unattended in the car, burned them, mutilated them, and so on for whatever so-called reason. These “parents” should’ve considered preventing pregnancy if they were going to ultimately hurt their child(ren). Let’s let 2015 be the year of loving our children or simply not having them if you think you’ll abuse them.

I wish you nothing but the best and truly believe that this is YOUR year. Take care of yourself and your family. Much love and many blessings for 2015!

When is Enough Enough?

  Everyone has their own tolerance level when it comes to relationships. Some people leave as soon as they hit a rough patch. Some people stay and weather way too many storms. And some know when enough is enough. But what about those who stay a lot longer than their shelf life? Tonight, I want to talk about a semi-sensitive subject of domestic violence. I say “semi-sensitive” because there are some of us who know someone who is or has gotten abused, is an abuser themselves or knows of an abuser, or simply has strong views on the subject.

For starters, when the topic of abuse is brought up, many people assume that there was a physical confrontation. But ‘abuse’ is much more than that. There are four main types of abuse in relationships:

1. Physical- hitting, pushing, slapping, biting, throwing objects

2. Sexual- rape, forcing foreign objects onto/into a non consenting person, underage, exploitation

3. Emotional/mental- intimidation, cause psychological trauma (ex. depression, anxiety), isolation

4. Verbal- insults, constant put-downs (alone and in front of others)/degrading

Most people say “Why doesn’t (s)he just leave them?” Or “They must like getting mistreated.” I was one of those people, and mostly still am, but I learned a little bit about the other side of the story. I had this one class in grad school- I can’t remember the name of it, but I can remember the teacher and the classroom. My professor was also a therapist and she talked off and on about this client she had who was in an abusive marriage. She worked with her for years and became frustrated with the lack of progress the client was making. One day, the client told my teacher that she might as well stay. My teacher couldn’t believe it and neither could the class. She stated that she didn’t want to leave for fear of being killed. She went on to explain that either way, he could kill her- if she stayed, he could beat her to death, or if she left, he could find her and kill her for leaving. So she reasoned that she would rather stay because she learned her husband’s moods and what pushed his buttons, and she tried to prevent whatever she could to keep him happy. For some reason, this concept stayed with me for at least seven years (and counting).

There are other motives as to why victims stay. “Because I still love him”, staying for the children, they attract abusers (each person they date abuses them one way or another), or they have been brainwashed (of course people who get abused don’t know that they’ve been brainwashed, but outsiders know). Self-blame and feelings of loss of control lead most victims to make excuses for their abusers and to stay in this type of relationship.

So if you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, encourage them to seek help, especially if children are involved. Victims have an incredible journey ahead of them by working through the feelings of inadequacy, self-blame, and shame. And most importantly, be supportive and try not to judge. Sometimes it isn’t always a ‘get up and walk out’ type of situation.