Tag Archive | Feelings

The Twilight Zone

door  Chris Rock said it best years ago. No man wants to be put in the ‘friends zone.’ Fellas, let me explain a little bit about this infamous friend zone. There are a few ways that you can fall into this category (they are listed in no particular order).

1. You aren’t sexually appealing. Pretty much self-explanatory. If you’re not attractive to her, there’s no other category for you, except for not being in the picture at all.

2. You were bullshitting. Instead of cutting you totally off, you were put on the sidelines for your lack of interest and/or effort (ex. dragging your feet or moving at a snail’s pace). You ought to be glad you’re still somewhat relevant.

3. You have nothing to offer. Women want an upgrade. So if you don’t have anything to bring to the table, then you serve absolutely no purpose.

4. You tried it, but the shit was wack…. .

5. She met someone else who was taken seriously and now they are in a serious relationship.

And last but not least…

6. You are truly a genuine friend. Congrats, you’re not being punished.

Now it could go the same way for the ladies, but fellas, hit me up and let me know. Ladies, did I miss anything?

If the World was Mine

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????  Could you have it all? Everything you ever wanted, all at the same time? Is it possible to have your dream job, a perfect marriage with mind blowing sex (and lots of love), the right amount of money to live comfortably (or the rich lifestyle, if that’s what you prefer), the perfect kids and house all at the same time?

The pessimist (or as I prefer to call it, realist) in me says no. For years, I was happy with my job, making a nice amount of money, and couldn’t find a decent man to date. It’s always everything BUT–something was always missing. Then there was another time, where I had a great relationship, no job and not much money, and situational depression. Was there ever a time in my life where I’ve had it all? Not a chance.

The optimist in my husband says yes, but with a twist. He believes that you can have all you want, all at the same time, but eventually what you want changes. For instance, say your goal is to buy a condo once you save up enough money and land that managerial position you’ve been patiently waiting on. Once you accomplish that goal, you formulate another goal or set of goals. You get everything you want until you want more or something different.

So what’s your take? Can you really have it all at the same time? Is it possible to be completely happy with who you are and what you have AND have all of what your heart desires all at one moment of time?

You Don’t Understand

half  In the wake of Robin Williams’ death, there have been some comments made about suicide that some people just don’t understand. What many don’t get is that depression is a serious illness. It’s not something that you can just turn off and on when it’s convenient for you. It’s not something that you can just snap out of because somebody tells you to be happy. It is a mental illness.

 

Not all people with depression are suicidal. Suicide is not a requirement of depression, it’s a symptom. A person could be depressed but not think about killing themselves. They have feelings of things not being worth it (for example, not getting out of the bed, eating or planning for the future), hopelessness, negative thoughts about themselves, no energy, and so forth. A person who is truly depressed can feel all thirteen or so odd symptoms, or as little as three. If you do experience these things, don’t wait to get help assuming that it’ll work itself out or get better.

 

There are different types of depression, such as situational, atypical, seasonal affective, bipolar, major/clinical, psychotic, and a few others. Not all have the same symptoms. Not all sufferers attempt suicide or have suicidal thoughts. The one thing that I will say about suicide, in relation to those who suffer from depression, is that those who attempt or succeed are not selfish. These people have their reasons for doing it, but I guarantee one of those reasons is that they believe that they are much better off dead. My question is this… would you consider yourself selfish if you knew that I was suffering but you wanted me to live anyways?

 

What you don’t understand is that you don’t truly know what a person is going through when they make an attempt on their life. The constant negative thoughts they deal with in their heads and how they interpret the world is something we could never understand. It’s obvious that the cons outweigh the pros. But accusing those who commit suicide with a mental illness is a low blow. There is always a reason; just because we can’t see it, doesn’t mean that it’s not there.

Power of the People?

c2  Ever since elementary school, I had to explain to people (not of African descent) about my hair. As a child, other children always wanted to touch it and wondered why it could stick up or out on its own. As a teen, other teenagers wondered how I could keep curls in my head, get it styled differently every other week, or why I didn’t wash my hair every other day. As an adult, apparently, other adults want to know by my hair being braided, is it tight enough to smooth out wrinkles (even though I’m not old enough for wrinkles, but that’s beside the point).

 

Why is African American hair such a novelty to people? Those of you who are reading this who are not of African descent, please understand two things: a). the one person you are talking to does not speak for their whole culture; b). if you have questions, please carefully formulate them in your head before speaking, because sometimes the comments and/or questions sound very ignorant and immature. Case in point, I had a grown woman ask me the wrinkles question (the one I talked about above) and then her and her friend went on about how Black people’s skin was so beautiful and did eating better than Caucasian people combined with no stress keep our skin looking so good. I was embarrassed for them. Both women are older than me. Both women are educated. And both women are too old to be comfortable enough to voice such foolishness aloud.

 

My point is this. It is okay to not know something about another person’s culture. Nobody knows every single thing about another person’s culture. And it is okay to ask questions, but it goes back to my point a minute ago… a). the ONE person you are talking to does not and cannot speak for their whole culture; b). formulate those questions and comments in your head first.

 

Does anyone have a similar story?

Friendly Skies

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????  Is there a such thing as being friends with your ex? Before you come up with an answer, I mean truly Just Friends. Not friends with benefits. Not cordial. I’m talking platonic friends. My answer is…Hell No! Let me explain why.

 

For starters, if you still have feelings for them, then that consequently takes you out of the platonic category. You can’t make objective decisions in regards to your “friend” when you used to date them and probably still wishing you could. In fact, you are also automatically cock blocking when ya’ll hang out. I bet you think that there’s nothing wrong with talking and laughing it up with your ex, but to an outsider, ya’ll look quite comfy and cozy. And very much together.

 

Another case in point, whatever you’re doing with your ex is holding you back from finding the person who was truly meant for you. If they’re an ex, then it wasn’t meant to be. There’s no need to keep holding on to them.

 

You may argue that you don’t have feelings, ya’ll still date other people, and nothing is going on behind closed doors, but I bet that one or both of you are holding on for different reasons. You might like that she’s comfortable and on the other hand, he’s waiting for ya’ll to hop back into bed. He might love your company in general, and you make sure that she’s not seeing anyone special. Whatever the case may be, it’s most likely not the best decision you’ve ever made.


Trust me about this. I’m speaking from experience. I had an ex that for 1). held on, and 2). I let him. I didn’t realize that I was blocking my blessings. Once I completely let go, I moved on and found a healthy relationship with the one I was meant to be with. See how this works out and falls into place?

Teach Me

teach  Relationships are hard work and take a lot of maintenance to retain. When dating, there are so many unspoken “rules” that you try to abide by. For instance, the first call comes from the man one to two days after he gets your number, no sex on the first date, the man should pay for everything all the time. But there is one thing that I know I don’t think about when dating someone- teaching him how to love me. My question would be: Is that my responsibility? When I hear, “teach me how to love you,” I think of putting someone through bootcamp, and that’s just a total turnoff. But with every situation, there are some positives and some negatives. Let’s start with the negatives and get them out the way.

When dating, there are some tactics that nobody should have to “teach” you called, “common courtesy.” Some examples include, call or text when you are going to be late, when you are left a message or miss a call- return it, give frequent updates if your plans are up in the air, etc. To me, these are not asking for too much and I shouldn’t have to tell you this. Everyone should come equipped with this type of knowledge. But… only in a perfect world, right?

So, what I mean about bootcamp is correcting your mate. Every time he/she does something that you don’t like, you holler at them and say, “No, I don’t like that, do this.” Now granted, you should say something if someone offends or bothers you, but it gets out of hand when your mate gets after you about every move you make. Let me give you an example. Say your man has a lot on his mind and accidentally leaves the toilet seat up. Should you a). Cuss him out; b). Whip out a laundry list of all the things he does that makes you sick including this; or c). Tell him why it bothers you. Obviously, the answer is C, but ladies be honest, don’t we gravitate towards B? B leads straight to bootcamp- where “No”, “I told you…”, “You don’t do it that way…”, and “You can’t do nothing right” come into play, and it is not a good look.

On the flip side, teaching someone how to love you definitely has its perks. For starters, it teaches your mate how to respect you and shows how you want to be treated. Say for instance fellas, your lady says something off the wall and hurtful in a conversation you two are having. Should you a). Smack her and put her in her place; b). Assertively tell her how it made you feel; or c). Get in her face and sling insults. The answer of course is B. Speaking up, while being respectful, is the way to go and lets your partner know what you do or do not like. You can’t assume that your man or your woman knows exactly what you like or what type of courtesy to extend. As I’m sure you already know, a healthy relationship is a full of love, respect, and communication.

So …you can teach someone how to love and respect you in a respectful way without becoming a tyrant. If you find yourself spewing out more negatives than positives towards or in regards to your partner, the lesson is over and you need to open up a new chapter without that person in your life.

 

The Art of Compromise

talk  According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word compromise means:

                  a way of reaching agreement in which each person or group

                  gives up something that was wanted in order to end an

                 argument or dispute.

So in other words, you’re arguing about what you could possibly do instead of what you won’t do. Two partners mutually agree to something in order to keep the peace. Sounds easy, right? Not a chance, but it’s a part of being a mature adult.

The art of compromise means that there’s some sort of give and take. Not every argument should be same person “knuckling under” every time. As a matter of fact, each party does in a way. For instance, “Last time I agreed to do the dishes and you do the cooking, so this time I will cook and you do the dishes.” Create the most fair approach possible. You don’t want to end up in a relationship where you are the only giver. Those are annoying. I am a firm believer in a relationship (friendships too) being equal. It’s just hard to trust a ‘taker.’

Compromising means that you learn how to pick your battles. If you find yourself arguing all the time, maybe you need to rethink your relationship. No couple is going to be rosy all the time and you’re going to have disagreements from time to time, but it should be more of a happy medium. Should you start an argument every time your partner comes home and ignores you because they are working on a project? No. Instead, state your feelings and discuss them with your mate. Try to take the “You always” language out and replace it with, “I feel ___ because ___” and “I want ____ .”

EXAMPLE: It makes me angry when you come in the house and ignore me. I want you to come in and speak to me for five or ten minutes, work for an hour or two, then I would like to spend some time with you.

Am I an expert in the art of compromising? Nope. Just making my way through the best way I know how. What’s your take?