Friends First

  What’s the point of being in a relationship (or friendship) if you don’t even like the person you’re with? How does a relationship get to that point? You overlooked some things? Some things that didn’t bother you before nag you to no end now? You ‘put up’ with it before and now you want them to change? What it all boils down to is the very beginning of the relationship, even before there was a relationship. Let me explain.

Relationships work best when you start off as friends before you enter a committed relationship. By the time you commit to this person, you already know what kind of person they are- are they a true friend, do they listen to me, do they let me cry on their shoulder, would they stand up for me if need be, etc.- their likes and dislikes, what makes them tick, and so on. You are comfortable with that person and you are building something even bigger and better. The intimacy is much deeper between two friends than a couple who met in a club and a week later they are each other’s boo thangs.

Communication is a huge part of a relationship. Can you really talk to (I mean really talk to) a person you would not consider a true friend? The closer you are to a person, the more likely you are to share your inner most secrets, desires, and dreams.

Later on in life, you would want to spend your final years with someone you love. Looks would not be number one on your ‘must have’ list anymore; it would be intimacy and closeness. And that’s when the friendship skills really come in to play. Is your relationship complete with a genuine friendship?

Shacking Up

  I heard an interesting topic on the radio earlier that I felt needed to be blogged about. Shacking up…plus children…plus unwed. Whatever happened to our old school values? Remember the lil nursery rhyme- “(So-and-so) and (so-and-so) sitting in a tree; k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, second comes marriage, and then comes a baby in a baby carriage.” Nowadays, everything’s all ass-backward and our old school values are almost nonexistent. The topic was not covering just your basic unwed couple who are living together with children, but moreso, a single parent having their mate move in without marriage.

I have two main issues with this particular scenario:

a. No marriage.

b. The values you are setting for your child or children (especially if you are a single mother with a daughter).

Let me break it down. Part A- I learned in a class that I took in undergrad years ago that the majority of couples who decide to cohabitate before marriage usually do not end up walking down the aisle. Sure, it’s great to see how you will live as a couple before marriage as a sneak preview, but what happens if you get a little too comfortable? What if one person thinks that the relationship is leading to marriage and the other party doesn’t have that goal in mind? Now, if you aren’t planning to get married at all (both parties agree to this), then this situation would not be a problem for them. However, you still have to deal with Part B.

Part B- Let’s focus on the children for a minute. Parents are the best teachers a child can and will have (once again, I refuse to talk about sperm and egg donors when I speak about “parents”). Kids soak up everything, especially when they are young. Mothers, if you have young daughters and you think that it’s okay to have men parading through your house, or you meet a guy and five seconds later he moves in, you have been sadly mistaken. What if your daughter sees this behavior and thinks that this is what should happen in a relationship or when they have their own children? When you are a parent, you have to put your children first and think about what they might be seeing, because what they see shapes who and what they become. How are you going to explain to your children that it’s okay for daddy to lay up on a woman, but your daughter should never allow that? Let’s just be conscious of our decision making skills, especially in regards to our children.

What do you think? Do you think it’s okay for a single parent to have their girl/boyfriend move in? Please leave a comment.

And Another Thing…

  Well folks, this is the third and last chapter of the Bad Date series. Here I will just address a couple of tidbits that some of you will be able to relate to, and hopefully some you will never be a victim to.

– Your date cusses you out. Ladies…if you are getting disrespected during the dating stage, what makes you think that it will get any better afterwards? Don’t make excuses. Don’t say, “Well next time…” because there should not even be a next time. Keep it moving.

– Your date is drunk. Whether they show up drunk or get drunk on the date, that’s showing poor taste. I would have a lot more tolerance for a person that is tipsy after a strong drink at dinner, but none for an alcoholic who got the party started without me.

– Your date is late without calling. There is simply no excuse. Even if you are five minutes late, you better say something. Fifteen…you better have gotten pulled over. It’s called common courtesy, ladies and gentlemen. If you are a few minutes behind, give the person a heads up, especially on a date. You want to make a good impression and not lead them to believe that they’ve been stood up. A simple call is a sign of respect, without it, we have a problem.

– Your date changes the subject when important issues are approached. If we can’t sit down and discuss our wishes, goals, dreams, money, feelings, problems, etc. then what are we doing? You have to feel comfortable talking to someone in order to be with that person, and if you aren’t, then it shouldn’t advance to a relationship. Case closed.

– Your date expects sex after paying for your date. Gentlemen…just because you do a good deed, does not mean that you should always get a pat on the back, especially if it’s something that you should do. For example, fathers (‘fathers’ is the key word here) do not “babysit” their own kids. What you should be saying instead is, “I spent some time with my children.” Another example, “I put some gas in your tank. It was almost on E.” Great…thank you. If you used the car last, you did what you were supposed to do. You don’t get rewarded for that! Expecting sex after paying for a date is played out and I wish guys would stop making that assumption. Women don’t owe you a thing. You were a gentleman and if the woman decides to go that route with you, more power to you, but if not, don’t get mad.

Are there any Bad Date instances that you can add to the list?

Shh!

  The next installment of the Bad Date series discusses bad movie dates.

1. Answering your phone. I can’t even say ‘during the movie’ because I don’t think you should answer it once you hit the theater (but that’s just me). It’s even worse when you call yourself whispering when people two rows behind you can hear every word you just said. Silence the damn phone for two hours, please. I’m sure you’ll survive.

2. Bringing your children, especially to rated R movies. I don’t know whether some parents can’t find a babysitter or just don’t care. There nothing that makes me suck my teeth and shake my head more than seeing five-year-olds at a Kevin Hart stand up or a movie you know there’s gonna be some nudity. These will be the same kids that take what they heard to school or act out what they saw. Parents, please choose wisely when it comes to what you let your children watch.

3. Staring at your date (in the dark). Creepy, huh? Very. I don’t like being stared at in general, but I think it’s even worse when you’re being stared at in a pitch black theater. WTF is that about? If you do this- STOP IT NOW! That is weird and so unattractive.

4. Killing the scene. Have you ever been to a movie with a person and they have to tell you what’s about to happen? It doesn’t matter whether they’ve seen it or not, they have to voice their opinion during all of the big parts. STOP IT. Stuff some popcorn in your mouth and chew slowly. No one wants to go out with a movie spoiler.

5. Hogging both armrests. Really? You can’t sacrifice one? Only you get to be comfortable? Hmm.

 

Stay tuned for the last segment in Bad Date.

Bad Date?

  Have you ever been on a bad date? What exactly constitutes a bad date? Have you ever been one?

Dating in general is very complicated. First of all, you have to decipher whether you have crossed over to the ‘date’ territory from the ‘friend’ one. Secondly, you have to figure out what is an actual date- coffee or dinner. Et cetera. Et cetera. Boring, but necessary stuff. But what happens when you encounter bad behavior during your date? Here are a few examples of a person ‘actin up’ on a date.

1. Cell phone use- This could be anywhere from surfing the net, to checking email, to answering a call. Unless it’s an emergency (for example, you have someone babysitting your children and your babysitter never had to call you before), keep your phone in your pocket or purse. Nothing says you’re not interested more than your mate staring down at a screen instead of you.

2. The awkward first date pay- What would make this better is if this is discussed before you actually go out or if the man is an old school gentleman (i.e. “I got it. Put your wallet away before you insult me.”). What makes this worse is the man not offering to pay, his share at least. It becomes an eye opener when the check is put in front of him and he doesn’t even acknowledge it. If you want to go dutch for the first date- fine. If you want to be an old school gentleman and pay for us- even better. But don’t pretend like you’re a statue once the bill is dropped and a mute when the topic is brought up.

3. The superstar- I’m sure everyone has met someone who has nothing else to do but to insert their name and situation into every story you tell. You could say that you journeyed to Africa for your twenty-first birthday, and they would steady tell you how Africa is where they were originally born and how they ventured over to the States. These people do not have it in them to care for someone other than themselves.

4. Lack of home training- This ranges from elbows on the table, to feet in the chair, to burping, to smacking, to…shall I continue? Poor table manners makes you feel like you’re eating at the zoo. Get it together!

5. The octopus- The touchy-feely date can make a person feel like they need a shower ASAP. On a first date, you better keep your hands to yourself. Too much too soon can be a turn off to someone looking for long term. So unless your ‘long term’ ends when the date ends, keep it PG until you are ready as a couple to advance to bigger and better things.

This concludes the first session of Bad Date, but stay tuned.