My Child

  It seems like more and more “parents” are hurting their children. I put parents in quotation marks because no real parent would purposely leave their child in a hot car with the windows up. No parent would throw their baby up against the wall. No parent would allow their child to sit on the roof of a moving car.

 

It sickens me to hear on a daily basis (it seems) how people are inventing new ways to hurt the children they brought into this world. They chose to bring them into the world. Is parenting easy? Hell no. Sometimes do you feel like smacking your child into next week? Of course. But what does a child have to do for you to do any of the examples above.

 

If you don’t want your child, either don’t have them in the first place or put them up for adoption. There are plenty of people who actually want to be parents, but for some reason or another cannot. Defenseless children do not deserve to be abused. Children look to their parents for guidance, love, and protection. What message are you sending out if you mistreat them?

 

Now granted, there’s a thin line between spanking and abuse, but parents should know the difference. A little discipline pop (not ‘splat’ or ‘boom’) won’t kill them. But if you ever get upset enough to the point where you might do more harm than good, then you might want to walk away for a little bit. I just can’t take another news story about a child being killed at the hands of their own parents because they didn’t want them, they were drunk, or they were tired. Don’t bring these babies into the world only to kill them.

Hello?

  It seems like a couple of forevers ago when we had only house phones. Before cell phones. Before pagers. Before two-ways. We actually had to be at home in order to talk to someone. Cell phones have now been around for well over a decade, therefore, there should be no excuse as to why we shouldn’t be able to work them properly. Are you guilty of being an obnoxious talker? Check out these six ways we break all kinds of phone etiquette rules when we’re on our cell phones.

 

– We holler in it. Everybody and their mama can hear every word we’re saying. Why are you shouting?

 

– We feel extra special when we’re on them. Guess what…everybody’s got them, even seven-year-olds. So there’s no need to act like you’re a big shot when you’re on it.

 

– We don’t silence our phones for shit. Library, wedding, church, graduation don’t mean a thing. Our loud obnoxious ringtones can ring any and everywhere, plus add in the fact that we don’t answer until the fourth ring.

 

– We talk in cramped quarters. A lot. We don’t care who hears our business. Did you ever stop to think that maybe other people don’t care about what you’ve got going on? We’re forced to listen and it is not appreciated.

 

– We talk and text on our dates because we’re rude. Nothing more says that I’m not interested in the person you’re sitting across than answering a call over candlelight.

 

– We talk to other people while we are on the phone with you. Participating in several different conversations is not multitasking, it’s rude. One conversation or the other.

 

What annoying behavior do you notice or engage in?

Sharing is Caring?

  I love the phrase, “Sharing is caring,” but sometimes it should not be carried out. Of course you want to swap stories, share an appetizer, and maybe even clothes (some of you). But there are three things in particular that you should not share with friends (or even best friend).

1). Talk about sex: Sure sharing juicy details is very entertaining and sometimes fun, but the line has to be drawn somewhere. If you talk too much about how great it feels when he throws your leg up or she strokes you, then maybe they want to see for themselves. Sometimes less is better…and this is one of those times.

2). Your mate: I shouldn’t have to spell this out, and especially not why you shouldn’t share who you’re married to or in a relationship with. It’s trifling to mess with a friend’s mate, period.

3). Toys: And I’m not talking about Tonka. First of all, that’s gross. Secondly, it’s not sanitary. I can’t even see a scenario I would be in where this would even be a question, but hey, shit happens…with other people.

How did everything become sex related?? Definitely not on purpose. Is there anything else you would add to the list?

Dear Facebook

Since Facebook hit the scene, people have been using it to reconnect with others, share photos, or even advertise products and services. Another thing that Facebook has become to some is a diary. Maybe some don’t realize that this is a social media site and once it reaches cyberspace, it’s just out there. Maybe some don’t realize that you can’t QUITE delete your page and it’s still there after you either hide or delete your account. Maybe some don’t realize that some of us don’t give a damn what you’re going through and we’re sorry that we friended you in the first place.

Ladies and gentlemen, there are many dos and don’ts in regards to setting up Facebook (which I will not go into), but what I would like to express is some frustration as far as what I’m been seeing lately. On my personal page, I don’t share much. People don’t need to know where I live, where I work, where I “checked in” to, or what I’m doing every day of my life. I share my blogs, a couple of pictures, and every now and then, I’ll share someone’s status. That’s it. But Facebook has become some people’s lives and a lifestyle. So I present to you the top four no-nos that I see that flood my page (besides the celebrities and stores that post something every five minutes). * FYI- They are not in order because they are equally annoying.

– Bragging: Low-key, you aren’t truly happy because if you were, you wouldn’t be on FB so much. Your life isn’t as grand as you describe it and you may even need confirmation and “ata boy/girl” from others. Stop it- you’re not happy and do something about that.

– Diary entry: Umm…I don’t need to know that you just came back from the store, you’re on your way to yoga, you just got a mani- pedi, and you’re about to tuck your kids in. Damnit- Facebook is not your spouse. There is no need to check in every two seconds. In fact, the more you post about your whereabouts, the easier you’re making it for someone to find you. So, keep on if you want to… .

– Attention-seeking: I take back what I said earlier. This might be the most annoying thing ever. FB is a social platform, not a therapist. If you need someone to talk to, reach out to them; a friend, mate, or whoever OFFLINE. Your ambiguous posts such as, “Lost right now,” “So hurt,” “Best day ever,” is only a ploy to get people to rush and say, “What’s wrong,” “What happened,” as comfort or to get your ego stroked. Stop it. If you have more than one hundred “friends,” more than half of those are strangers. Once again, go offline and talk to someone who actually cares.

– Revenge: This is a biggie. It’s funny when people post these nasty comments. My question is…are you absolutely sure that whoever your attitude is directed to is really reading your post? Don’t waste your time. Say a couple of woo-sas, pray, or better yet- talk to the person who upset you, instead of airing out your dirty laundry. You just look silly.

On The Side

  “You can have a piece of my love.” Guy boldly released this 1988 song, “Piece of My Love,” which described a sexual relationship on the side. Is this type of relationship truly satisfying for the chick or the dude on the side? Of course the person in the middle is having their cake and eating it too, but what about the one on the side. How do they interpret the relationship and themselves? This is why I even bother asking.

If you have ever been in the position where you had to fight your mate for their attention because you thought they were cheating (or they actually have been), I’m sure you’re wondering why I would even want to know the other side of the story. But there’s a reason for everything.

My initial thought would be, why would anyone want to settle for second best? But there are a couple of reasons why.

a. Gain- Financial, social, emotional, etc. The Side Piece (SP) uses the person to get whatever it is that they are lacking, whether they truly need it or not.

b. Loneliness- SP needs to feel the warmth of somebody, or really anybody that will provide it, without regards to who they may be with.

c. Need drama in their life- One of those types of people that need a lot more spice in their life than the average person. SP likes the thrill of almost getting caught or perhaps even wants to in order to one up the girlfriend or boyfriend.

What this all boils down to is selfishness. There’s a reason as to why people get involved in an unavailable person, but what do they think of themselves for doing it? In this case, I believe that you have two types of people.

a. You have the smug. Smug Sally gets a kick out of sleeping their way to something (whether it be to a better position at work, to getting better gifts than wifey, to being wisked off to Hawaii). This is the same person who gets joy out of knowing that she can spill anytime and ruin the family.

On the flip side…

b. You have the nervous. Nervous Nancy would probably kill herself if she got caught. She has bad nerves, but her partner is her weakness. She knows that it’s wrong and she feels hella guilty, but can’t stop…just…yet.

I’m not here to say what is right or wrong, but a clear conscious provides a much better sleep. One thing that I will say is that Side Pieces don’t get love, they are just convenient. Smug Sally might enjoy using others, but it’s really her that’s getting played.

The End

  Besides the obvious, “I don’t want to see you anymore,” there are some other ways to call it quits without even saying it. Here are some ways that could lead to ending your relationship in a passive and/or aggressive way.

– Cheat…  Especially when it’s repetitive or it’s with a close friend or family member.

– Hit… One would only hope that if a person is getting abused, they would leave the relationship before it’s too late.

– Emotionless…  It’s one thing to cheat in a physical way, but when your heart is given to another or you are void of any positive feelings towards your man/woman, it’s a wrap.

– Steal… When you can’t even trust a person to keep their sticky fingers to themselves (wallet, TV, coffeemaker- you get the picture, anything that’s not tied down), it should be a done deal.

– Lie… This goes hand in hand with stealing. You can’t trust a person who constantly lies about any and everything.

– Dislike…  You could just plain ole not like someone.

– Disrespect… This is when you take the mama jokes too far, belittle your partner in front of guests, or hit on others in front of you.

What else could you add to the list?

The Green Monster

  People usually associate the color green with money or even their favorite color. The green I want to discuss is jealousy.

I want to begin by first clearing up a misconception… it does not show that you care. More often than not, it shows that you are either crazy, irrational, controlling, or all of the above. For example, because your ex-girlfriend cheated on you, you won’t “allow” your current girlfriend to have male platonic friends (not the ‘platonic’ friends you just met five days ago, the lifelong friends). Or you walk by a stranger on the street and say hello with a smile. Your girlfriend assumes that you are flirting and chastises you about being too friendly with everyone you meet. With care comes trust. You can’t always assume the worst, because if it’s that deep, then you shouldn’t be together. If you have to check phones (or phone records), go through pockets, check draws, etc. then, not only are you crazy, it is unhealthy, irrational, and they’ve gotta go to bring you some peace of mind (and I’m sure they want peace too). However, if you exhibit this type of behavior with everybody you date, then you need to seek professional help before you drag another person into your web of craziness.

So, where does jealousy come from? Well, I tend to think that jealousy stems from three main themes:

• Insecurity
• People doing their own dirt
• Just not a trusting person

First and foremost, there are no perfect people and there are no perfect relationships. In a previous article, I talked about sacrificing something in order to get the person that you want. Everybody and every relationship is lacking something to make them not exactly perfect, but wonderful enough to be with. For example, you maybe be looking for someone who is six foot seven and is rich and packin’. Instead, you end up with a six foot two man, who lives within his means with an average-sized tool. Cool. But here’s the tricky part. You know that your woman was looking for someone hung like a horse and taller, so you get uptight every time you go to a basketball game, and her going to strip clubs is simply out of the question. Insecurity is what drives people to do crazy things. You don’t feel that you measure up so you have to assert your dominance by checking your girl every time she comes home. You’re so jealous that you’re not even thinking straight. You’re so focused on what could’ve happened instead of being in the present or reality. Tsk tsk tsk.

In regards to dirt… my mother gave me some helpful advice years ago and I find this to be true in many situations. If you constantly accuse or question somebody about them being with another person, you are the one who’s doing it. That is the type of person who is on edge and lashes out when they feel that you are close to catching them. They feel guilty about what they’re doing, so instead of fixing the problem by getting rid of their side piece, they think that you are doing the same thing and want to make you feel the pain. Does this make sense? It doesn’t to me, but there’s truth to it. Think about it. If you have that nagging feeling in the back of your head that your partner is cheating AND you’re repeatedly getting accused of doing the cheating? You might want to trust your gut and move on.

And lastly, people use the excuse all the time about being hurt in the past. Who hasn’t over the age of sixteen experienced heartbreak? We all have been hurt, but there’s no excuse of bringing old baggage into the next relationship. If your last boyfriend cheated, don’t automatically assume that the next boyfriend and the one after will cheat too. Who wants to be punished before they commit the crime? “Last time, my girlfriend cheated on me with her running partner, so I won’t my new woman join a gym.” This is just dumb. You will drive someone to do the very thing you don’t want them to do with this attitude.

All in all, jealousy is a controlling and extremely unattractive behavior that is sometimes learned, but widely practiced. It is normal to have a slight twinge of jealousy every now and then, in friendships and relationships, but when it gets to people not wanting to be themselves around you or nobody can stand to be around you for extended periods of time, you should seriously get professional help.

The Game

   It’s Saturday night. You’ve got on your tightest pants or shortest dress. Your high heels, dangling earrings, and Mac lip gloss. You and your girlfriends ride together, and within thirty, you arrive at your destination. The club. And as a woman, what do you expect when you first step in? Wack lines. Whomp whomp.

Now granted, I haven’t been out clubbing with my girls in a while. Matter of fact, I have even fallen asleep in a couple because it’s not my thing anymore. But I can guarantee one thing without even having to step back into one- there’s going to be a lot of drunk men with no game.  So fellas, if you do anything on this list… STOP IT IMMEDIATELY!

1. “Hey ma.” For starters, I am not your ma, boo, boo thang, sweet thang, girl, or any other variation. Secondly, you are men. Please have some manners before stepping up on somebody. And lastly, if you don’t know my name and you substitute it with “ma,” it wasn’t meant to be.

2. “Lemme holla at chu.” No.

3. “Why you look so mean?” This line should not be a one size fits all type of deal. You hear this all the time. If you want to say something, bring some substance to the conversation. But think about it for a minute. If you were walking through a crowded, funky room and getting bumped constantly and your feet stepped on or even have a drink spilled on them, you would be frowning too. Or if you’re on a mission, for example, headed to the bar or the bathroom, sometimes you aren’t aware of your facial expressions. So fellas, I’m gonna tell you a little secret. This line is tired and annoying. So stop it!

4. “You can’t have friends?” Are you kidding me? Say the shoe was on the other foot. Say I hook up with my new club friend and we end up in a relationship. Would you be okay with me getting new club “friends?” Hell no! You’re selfish.

5. The nonverbal grab. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m not going to say anything, but instead I’ll just grab your arm, butt, breast, or whatever. I had one guy that was bold enough to jump on my back after I ignored him grabbing my arm and the back of my shirt. This is just totally unacceptable on all levels. Why are you touching me? What do you want? Get your hands off me. All pop into my head when I see or experience this. This is definitely not a turn on. Don’t touch me. Moving on.

6. The stare. This is just creepy. I know you guys are just trying to see if you can catch a woman’s eye, but damn. Didn’t your mama teach you that staring is rude? Staring in any situation is weird and uncomfortable, but add the dark and an active atmosphere to the mix. I’m gonna just think that you’re plain ole crazy or a stalker.

Do you have any weak lines that you can add?

Holiday in the Dumps

  Is it okay to break up with your mate during the holidays? I would like to play devil’s advocate for this topic. For the most part, I believe that it would be a heart breaking thing to deal with- if they were someone special. I mean, who would want to be by themselves intentionally for the holiday season, have to worry about returning a gift (especially if it’s a nonrefundable gift), or have no other family in the general vicinity to spend the holidays with.

Some people break up before the Christmas on purpose just so they won’t have to buy a gift, which is trifling. Now don’t get me wrong, Christmas is not simply just about buying gifts (check out my last blog “The Spirit of Christmas” if you haven’t read it already), but it is the season of giving something.

There are times when maybe you should just stick it out until Christmas passes, for example, you love them a lot more than them getting on your nerves. You don’t want to spend too much time with them and a couple more days won’t kill you, but after those few days, you can then give them the boot. There is a break between Christmas and New Year’s but you have to act fast. Or if you already scheduled a trip and want to wait until after New Year’s to break up since you don’t want to lose the money that you spent on airfare, hotel arrangements, etc., then wait a couple more if it doesn’t kill you.

On the contrary, there are some instances where waiting should not be in the cards, for example, when there is abuse involved, cheating, the sight of them makes you physically ill, or any other case that’s similar. If your happiness and sanity are in jeopardy then you shouldn’t wait, even if it happens on Christmas Day. Now just like the last blog, don’t go blaming me for your breakup saying that ‘Klove said it was okay to kick you to the curb on Christmas because you were tripping.’ What I’m saying is your happiness (your children’s happiness comes first if you have any) and sanity are very important and if you don’t take that into consideration, then you are damaging your livelihood and your mental health. Please keep this in mind and choose what’s best for you.

Happy Holidays everyone. Be safe and make some good decisions:)

It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye

   This is the third and final installment of the breakup series (if you missed the other two, check out “It’s Time” and “A Done Deal”).  There are times that call for a hasty breakup such as, someone cheating (especially repeatedly or passing you a STD), stealing from you, etc. But every now and then you get those semi-tricky situations that may cause you to rethink your decision to split. Below are the top three reasons breakups can be hard to do.

1. Long history: When you are with someone for five, ten years and you haven’t walked down the isle yet, you have put in a lot of work to keep your relationship. You have probably put up with a lot already and maybe holding out for a ring. Remaining in love with your partner will keep you grounded but possibly staying in a relationship that may or may not be healthy for you.

2. Children- ‘Staying for the children’ has been an excuse that has been used since time began. Of course it’s better raising children in a two parent home, but oftentimes staying has compromised a person’s happiness and sanity.

3. Abuse- In a previous blog, “When is Enough, Enough”, I talked about relationships that involve abuse. In the beginning of the relationship, the abuser is often a charmer; buying gifts, being really sweet, doing whatever it takes to appear to be the perfect woman/man. Rarely do the gloves come off early, but when they do, you’re already sucked in. You start thinking that it’s your fault for their behavior and making excuses for them. You’re in so deep that you’re almost brainwashed, and if you leave or even attempt, there will be serious consequences.

Deciding to break up with you partner can be tough to do for some and easier for others. Whichever category you fall in, make sure that your children’s best interests (if you have some) come first, and then your happiness and best interests come next. As always, if you have another situation where breaking up is hard to do, please feel free to share.

On a totally different note, have a blessed Thanksgiving:)