The Twilight Zone

  Chris Rock said it best years ago. No man wants to be put in the ‘friends zone.’ Fellas, let me explain a little bit about this infamous friend zone. There are a few ways that you can fall into this category (they are listed in no particular order).

1. You aren’t sexually appealing. Pretty much self-explanatory. If you’re not attractive to her, there’s no other category for you, except for not being in the picture at all.

2. You were bullshitting. Instead of cutting you totally off, you were put on the sidelines for your lack of interest and/or effort (ex. dragging your feet or moving at a snail’s pace). You ought to be glad you’re still somewhat relevant.

3. You have nothing to offer. Women want an upgrade. So if you don’t have anything to bring to the table, then you serve absolutely no purpose.

4. You tried it, but the shit was wack…. .

5. She met someone else who was taken seriously and now they are in a serious relationship.

And last but not least…

6. You are truly a genuine friend. Congrats, you’re not being punished.

Now it could go the same way for the ladies, but fellas, hit me up and let me know. Ladies, did I miss anything?

New Beginnings

  As we have finally reached the new year, you already know what comes with the territory. New Year’s resolutions, including work out goals and a hope to be a better person. What usually follows is the breaking of those resolutions before the close of January. What I propose is something simple- creating a Don’t Bring list. Here are some things you should not bring into the new year if you want a clean slate and a fresh start.

1. Debt- I’m not talking 10Gs in student loans. I’m talking about paying off credit card bills, medical bills, or anything under a grand. Handle that. Whether you set up a payment plan or something. Don’t carry old bills or overdue bills into the new year.

2. Men’s Skinny Jeans- Granted, these shouldn’t have even been made in the first place, but they definitely should not be brought back this year for an encore.

3. Negativity from 2014- Why are you still carrying this baggage? Let it go. If you haven’t dealt with it before, why continue to hang on to it now?

4. Frenemies- Why continue to play nice or pretend to like someone you clearly do not? That just creates negativity, unnecessary drama, and clutter. Stop it and move on.

5. The phrase “turnt up” or any variation- This phase sickens me and needs to be put down for good. Please don’t let it seep into 2015!

6. Using children as pawns- Whether it’s to get back at or with someone, or to punish the child. Let us not forget that children are gifts and were not asked to be created. This past year, so many children made the news because their parent(s) left them unattended in the car, burned them, mutilated them, and so on for whatever so-called reason. These “parents” should’ve considered preventing pregnancy if they were going to ultimately hurt their child(ren). Let’s let 2015 be the year of loving our children or simply not having them if you think you’ll abuse them.

I wish you nothing but the best and truly believe that this is YOUR year. Take care of yourself and your family. Much love and many blessings for 2015!

The True Meaning

Some think of family. Some think of decorations inside and outside the house. And most think of presents for their family, friends, and/or coworkers. Buying gifts is what often is associated with Christmas, which leads to stress (financial, emotional, physical) for many people. But what is the true meaning of Christmas?

To me, it’s the sharing. Sharing of time, food, and love. A time when people spend time together and memories are shared and created. But the problem is, many people wait for a holiday such as Christmas and Thanksgiving to show the people they care about what they mean to them or to get together. Holidays should be special, yes, but we shouldn’t wait for a certain occasion to say I love you, visit, or to spend extra time with people. Make sure that gifts (from the heart), visits, and sharing isn’t reserved for holidays, but spread throughout the year. Don’t lose the true meaning of Christmas.

  Happy Holidays.

Tears of Joy

  There comes a time when all of the negativity from your life simply disappears and happiness creeps in with a vengeance.

+ Win first place (or even just place)

+ Graduation

+ Birth of a child

+ Wedding

+ See the light at the end of the tunnel after a struggle

+ Visit a friend or family member after you haven’t seen them in a long time

+ Completion

+ Newness (ex. new house, job, etc.)

+ Closure

+ Peace

+ Family and true friends

+ Realizing how blessed you are

Do Tell

  For starters, let me begin by defining a couple things.

Friend= People you can count on and share your deepest and darkest secrets with without judgment.

Associate= People who you are cool with, may hang out with, but don’t talk to on a regular basis.

Frenemy= People who pretend to be your friend and are quick to throw you under the bus.

In high school, I learned the hard way the differences between these three types of people and it wasn’t hard to see who fit into which category. To me, it was cut and dry. But, what happens when people cross these pretty well-defined lines? For instance, what if your mate’s friend hits on you? Would you tell?

Speaking from experience, I sang like a damn canary and would do it again. I don’t think there’s a type of person that I hate worse than a fake person. I think your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse has a right to know if their “friend” is making a pass at someone they’re with. They have a right to create distance and not trust their “friend.” They have a right to know what kind of person they have in their life. In my situation, I can’t remember how my boyfriend (at the time) handled it, but I figured that I would rather him hear it from me than the “friend” going back saying that I did something wrong. Did the “friend” get mad at me for spilling the tea? Probably, but did I give a damn? Not a chance.

What I learned from that situation is that I didn’t want to be around that person at all anymore, and being alone again with him was a negative. Most of the time, you learn who to trust in your friendships and relationships early. What we have to keep in mind is not to turn a blind eye to red signs. Whether you choose to tell your mate their so-called friend is foul, that’s your choice. But consider if it was on the other foot. Would you want to know?

You Don’t Understand

  In the wake of Robin Williams’ death, there have been some comments made about suicide that some people just don’t understand. What many don’t get is that depression is a serious illness. It’s not something that you can just turn off and on when it’s convenient for you. It’s not something that you can just snap out of because somebody tells you to be happy. It is a mental illness.

 

Not all people with depression are suicidal. Suicide is not a requirement of depression, it’s a symptom. A person could be depressed but not think about killing themselves. They have feelings of things not being worth it (for example, not getting out of the bed, eating or planning for the future), hopelessness, negative thoughts about themselves, no energy, and so forth. A person who is truly depressed can feel all thirteen or so odd symptoms, or as little as three. If you do experience these things, don’t wait to get help assuming that it’ll work itself out or get better.

 

There are different types of depression, such as situational, atypical, seasonal affective, bipolar, major/clinical, psychotic, and a few others. Not all have the same symptoms. Not all sufferers attempt suicide or have suicidal thoughts. The one thing that I will say about suicide, in relation to those who suffer from depression, is that those who attempt or succeed are not selfish. These people have their reasons for doing it, but I guarantee one of those reasons is that they believe that they are much better off dead. My question is this… would you consider yourself selfish if you knew that I was suffering but you wanted me to live anyways?

 

What you don’t understand is that you don’t truly know what a person is going through when they make an attempt on their life. The constant negative thoughts they deal with in their heads and how they interpret the world is something we could never understand. It’s obvious that the cons outweigh the pros. But accusing those who commit suicide with a mental illness is a low blow. There is always a reason; just because we can’t see it, doesn’t mean that it’s not there.

TMI

  Ever have a girlfriend who would tell you their whole life story when you only ask them, ‘How are you?’ What about a co-worker? A stranger? A lot of times the oversharing is so unnecessary and totally uncomfortable. I didn’t ask to hear about the who, what, where, why, and when of your brother’s ex-girlfriend’s surgery, or even what you went through in order to get to work this morning. Who cares!

 

People like that have at least three things going on: a. They don’t have anything of substance really going on in their life and they hope that you will share just as much as they do; b. They just like to talk (too damn much), especially about themselves; c. They are attempting to forget all of the effed up shit that’s going on in their own home.

 

Let me give you some examples. A is the type of person who will share things about everyone else in their life but themselves, unless something catastrophic happens. For instance, I don’t know where you live, but I know all about your brother and his dysfunctional relationship. “So what’s going on in your world,” I’ll pass, because the playing field is not even. I heard all about your brother without even asking and nothing about you, but you want to get all up in my business? No thanks.

 

B people have an ‘all or nothing’ approach; everything is either beyond fantastic in their life, or everything is horrible. So their conversation, for example, is more so about how they are the best lover, but in the next sentence, they talk about how everyone is trying to play them. They bring so much drama to their own lives that they don’t need friends, they need a therapist– someone who will actually want to talk to them and someone who will tell them in a polite way that it’s not always about them.

 

A C person is a person is a blend of the two; they talk about their surroundings and their life– every gory detail. For instance, I should not know everyone in your family by name and all of their ailments.

 

The problem I have with all of these people is that quite frankly, I don’t give a damn about your personal business and stop hoping that I will divulge as much as you. There are some things that don’t need to be discussed. Just let it be. These are the same people who are doing as much talking about you behind your back to someone else. I’d rather not spill my tea, thank you very much.

Never Say Never

Never Too Late to…

– Apologize

– Pray

– Seek religion

– Say thank you

– Show or voice your appreciation

– Turn a bad day into a good one

 

Never Too Much of…

+ Saying I Love You

+ Saying what you feel

+ Giving thanks

+ Hugging and kissing

+ Kindness

+ Cheesecake

 

Never Leave the House Without

= Saying I Love You to someone you love

= Clean draws

= A couple of dollars

= Key (maybe even your I.D.)

= Letting someone know where you’re going (you never know)

= Having a purpose

Homie Lover Friend

Image: Dreamstime

 

Part Two of ‘The Company We Keep’ type of blogs focuses on the friendship between men and women (Part One was “Friendly Skies.” Check it out if you missed it last week.).

 

“He’s just my friend.” “We grew up together.” “She’s my ace boon coon.” Here’s the million dollar question: Can men and women be platonic friends or are they people we haven’t screwed yet (as Chris Rock stated in one of his shows)? Yes, men and women have the potential to be platonic friends, but there are some unspoken “rules” that should be easy to follow if you are truly platonic friends.

 

– Age is important. For instance, a man meets a woman at thirty and wants to be friends, versus a boy meeting a girl at age ten. Personally, I believe that the boy wants to be platonic friends, but the thirty-year-old man wants a friend with benefits. It’s rare to meet true friends later on in life, unless you run in the same circle or they are a coworker. But then the question would be are they a friend or an associate (*new topic for a future blog).

 

– He/She is facially challenged. It’s so much easier to keep a friend of the opposite sex if they are not attractive (physically or sexually). Along the same lines, there’s no attraction when you think of the person as a brother or a sister. Either situation leaves you and him/her platonic as hell!

 

– You can call or text any time you feel like it. Not. Platonic single friends can call whenever you feel like it. Someone breaks in and you can’t sleep, call your boy at 3am. Who cares. You need a plus one, call your girl a couple days before so they get themselves together. These things can’t go down when you’re in a relationship. Then it’s, why is so and so calling so damn late? Why are they always calling you to hang out? In order to keep it looking as innocent as it really is, you have to be respectable to yourself and your relationship. When in doubt ask, “If it were the other way around, how would I feel” question before you act (or react).

 

*Bonus question: Does your mate have the right to tell you to give up a friend just because they are the opposite sex? Even if they have no evidence of anything going on? Leave your answer in the comments section.

 

The Art of Compromise

  According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word compromise means:

                  a way of reaching agreement in which each person or group

                  gives up something that was wanted in order to end an

                 argument or dispute.

So in other words, you’re arguing about what you could possibly do instead of what you won’t do. Two partners mutually agree to something in order to keep the peace. Sounds easy, right? Not a chance, but it’s a part of being a mature adult.

The art of compromise means that there’s some sort of give and take. Not every argument should be same person “knuckling under” every time. As a matter of fact, each party does in a way. For instance, “Last time I agreed to do the dishes and you do the cooking, so this time I will cook and you do the dishes.” Create the most fair approach possible. You don’t want to end up in a relationship where you are the only giver. Those are annoying. I am a firm believer in a relationship (friendships too) being equal. It’s just hard to trust a ‘taker.’

Compromising means that you learn how to pick your battles. If you find yourself arguing all the time, maybe you need to rethink your relationship. No couple is going to be rosy all the time and you’re going to have disagreements from time to time, but it should be more of a happy medium. Should you start an argument every time your partner comes home and ignores you because they are working on a project? No. Instead, state your feelings and discuss them with your mate. Try to take the “You always” language out and replace it with, “I feel ___ because ___” and “I want ____ .”

EXAMPLE: It makes me angry when you come in the house and ignore me. I want you to come in and speak to me for five or ten minutes, work for an hour or two, then I would like to spend some time with you.

Am I an expert in the art of compromising? Nope. Just making my way through the best way I know how. What’s your take?