All in a Name

  A few weeks ago, D.L. Hughley posed a question to his radio audience about children’s names in relation to them being able to get a job. Back when I was growing up, we had the La, Na, and Ta names. Nowadays, that seems so amateur. Children’s names have some kind of apostrophe or dash somewhere, not to mention extra letters to make the name seem cute. Original? Unique? Guess what… it’s not. Having children not being able to spell their own name until they are seven years old is not attractive, neither is having names that don’t phonetically make sense. What’s next, the use of ! and *??

Are parents setting their children up for failure? Absolutely. Do I believe that they do it on purpose? Not really. But think about it. What boss wants to get handed a resume with a name like Quiwanna or Seantavious on it? How about a teacher calling on a new student with the name Ajoyishallbe or Apple (and no, celebrities aren’t off the hook on this one)? You think they won’t get picked on in school? You think they are destined to be the next CEO in a Fortune 500 company? Please welcome, President Chip Dip Jones! Not happening.

Is it possible to be unique without being ridiculous? Yes, so please give your child a chance. All kids are special. They just don’t need to stick out for the wrong reason.

What interesting names have you encountered?

New Beginnings

  As we have finally reached the new year, you already know what comes with the territory. New Year’s resolutions, including work out goals and a hope to be a better person. What usually follows is the breaking of those resolutions before the close of January. What I propose is something simple- creating a Don’t Bring list. Here are some things you should not bring into the new year if you want a clean slate and a fresh start.

1. Debt- I’m not talking 10Gs in student loans. I’m talking about paying off credit card bills, medical bills, or anything under a grand. Handle that. Whether you set up a payment plan or something. Don’t carry old bills or overdue bills into the new year.

2. Men’s Skinny Jeans- Granted, these shouldn’t have even been made in the first place, but they definitely should not be brought back this year for an encore.

3. Negativity from 2014- Why are you still carrying this baggage? Let it go. If you haven’t dealt with it before, why continue to hang on to it now?

4. Frenemies- Why continue to play nice or pretend to like someone you clearly do not? That just creates negativity, unnecessary drama, and clutter. Stop it and move on.

5. The phrase “turnt up” or any variation- This phase sickens me and needs to be put down for good. Please don’t let it seep into 2015!

6. Using children as pawns- Whether it’s to get back at or with someone, or to punish the child. Let us not forget that children are gifts and were not asked to be created. This past year, so many children made the news because their parent(s) left them unattended in the car, burned them, mutilated them, and so on for whatever so-called reason. These “parents” should’ve considered preventing pregnancy if they were going to ultimately hurt their child(ren). Let’s let 2015 be the year of loving our children or simply not having them if you think you’ll abuse them.

I wish you nothing but the best and truly believe that this is YOUR year. Take care of yourself and your family. Much love and many blessings for 2015!

An Open Letter to My Son

  Dear Unborn Son,

I’ve been so blessed to have you in my life. You have brought a love and joy to me that I have never felt before.

There are some things that I need to explain to you. You will experience unconditional love here at home, however, beyond these walls, you will have a totally different experience. As a man of color, you will experience many difficulties. You won’t be treated like the prince that you are, instead, you will feel the need to have to prove that you’re worthy. It’s unfortunate, but it’s reality. Your family loves you, but keep in mind, other people won’t because of your skin color.

Baby Boy, I feel sorry for you, but I applaud you. I know that you won’t let other people put you down. You’ll be ambitious, full of hopes, dreams, and accomplishments. You’ll hold your head high and become whatever you put your mind to. I know you will be a king to the right queen and eventually become a wonderful father, following in your father’s footsteps, of course.

Stay strong. I love you more than words can ever describe.

 

Love,

Your mother

An Open Letter to My Daughter

  Dear Unborn Daughter,

You are the most precious gift that I could be blessed with and I am so honored to be your mother. As a true mother, like my mother is to me, I will be with you every step of the way.

There are some things that I would like to share with you. I hate to disappoint you so early in life, but you have to know the truth. People, me included, thought that the world was going to be such a better place to live in once the new millennium hit (after some realized that it indeed was NOT going to end). We would all live in peace and harmony, everyone would be equal, this and this would be different, etc. Welp, I’m sorry to inform you, baby girl, but it’s not. We lied to ourselves; continuously and consistently.

In some ways we have gone backwards and some forwards. For instance, you don’t have but a couple (literally) celebrity role models. If you turn on the TV, you see women screaming at each other and throwing drinks or fists. In music, the women compete over who has the least amount of clothes and no talent. For role models, you’ll only have to look inside your space- our house, your grandparent’s houses, and extended family’s. I must warn you, all humans make mistakes, including your role models, but best believe that we would do nothing to harm you or steer you wrong in any way.

One way in which we have moved forward is technology. You are blessed to have a tech geek as a father who is more than happy to get you any and every type of thing that either has buttons or a touch screen. But, don’t go overboard on it. Know that I would rather see you than Skype, talk to you than text, read to you with real books than with the swipe of a finger.

From this moment on, you will consider yourself a treasure and demand people to treat you that way based on the way that you carry yourself. Am I saying that you should be Boigie or stuck up? No, but you should instead exert enough confidence and love for yourself that will make people, including yourself, respect you.

I love you more than anything in this world, and I vow from now on to care for you to the best of my ability and beyond.

 

Love,

Your mother

Tears of Joy

  There comes a time when all of the negativity from your life simply disappears and happiness creeps in with a vengeance.

+ Win first place (or even just place)

+ Graduation

+ Birth of a child

+ Wedding

+ See the light at the end of the tunnel after a struggle

+ Visit a friend or family member after you haven’t seen them in a long time

+ Completion

+ Newness (ex. new house, job, etc.)

+ Closure

+ Peace

+ Family and true friends

+ Realizing how blessed you are

My Child

  It seems like more and more “parents” are hurting their children. I put parents in quotation marks because no real parent would purposely leave their child in a hot car with the windows up. No parent would throw their baby up against the wall. No parent would allow their child to sit on the roof of a moving car.

 

It sickens me to hear on a daily basis (it seems) how people are inventing new ways to hurt the children they brought into this world. They chose to bring them into the world. Is parenting easy? Hell no. Sometimes do you feel like smacking your child into next week? Of course. But what does a child have to do for you to do any of the examples above.

 

If you don’t want your child, either don’t have them in the first place or put them up for adoption. There are plenty of people who actually want to be parents, but for some reason or another cannot. Defenseless children do not deserve to be abused. Children look to their parents for guidance, love, and protection. What message are you sending out if you mistreat them?

 

Now granted, there’s a thin line between spanking and abuse, but parents should know the difference. A little discipline pop (not ‘splat’ or ‘boom’) won’t kill them. But if you ever get upset enough to the point where you might do more harm than good, then you might want to walk away for a little bit. I just can’t take another news story about a child being killed at the hands of their own parents because they didn’t want them, they were drunk, or they were tired. Don’t bring these babies into the world only to kill them.

Not My Mama

  Last week I talked about being in a relationship and not liking your partner’s child. Blended families can be difficult, but even tougher when you don’t like your boyfriend or girlfriend’s tot. But what happens if it’s the other way around?

You’ve seen movies like Are We There Yet? and Bebe’s Kids  where the child/children go buckwild because they believe that you are replacing their mom or dad. Of course it’s all giggles when looking from the outside in, but what about when you’re actually in that situation? I think not.

Well, two things parents should keep in mind. First things first… talk to your children. That goes without saying, but as a parent, you should address all concerns. Open communication helps ALL relationships, not just parent/child, but in this case, this is so important. Find out why your child doesn’t like your new squeeze. Do they have a valid point? Or do they clash because they have different styles of dress?

Secondly, as a parent, and equally important, do NOT introduce your child to every Tom, Dick, and Harry or Sally, Mae, Tina. Your children should only meet a person who is significant to you and when the relationship is long term. If there’s a stamped of partners through the house, your children may believe that that’s the way relationships work. No child wants to believe that their mother or father is loose.

What are your thoughts?

Not My Child

  Everything’s perfect. You meet the man or woman of your dreams. Your relationship is headed in the right direction. And you can’t imagine experiencing true happiness in life without your significant other. There’s just one catch…their child.

How do you deal with a child of your mate’s that you don’t like? Do you play pretend? Do you voice your opinion to your boyfriend/girlfriend? Do you sit the child down and talk to them?

Two things should definitely happen if this situation were to occur. One thing for sure is that you better make sure that things are squared away before your relationship becomes permanent. Don’t bring unnecessary drama into a marriage. Marriage is tough enough. Secondly, be respectful. It doesn’t matter if the child is a newborn or fifty. The child is an extension of your mate, so attempting to hurt their offspring, verbally or physically, is a big no-no on so many levels.

Is blending families easy? Not really, but of course it’s easier when everybody likes each other. But, not every blended family is that lucky. I read a book by one of my favorite authors (Kimberla Roby) last week in regards to this type of situation. There was a married couple and the husband had an affair a couple years before and produced a child. The couple ended up taking the child in because the little girl’s mother was very ill and eventually passed. The wife was so beside herself that she wished harm on the innocent three-year-old and went as far as to ignoring her every time the child talked to her because she absolutely hated her husband’s offspring.

Now granted, this is a different type of situation, but all in all, what is the right way to deal with a child who is biologically not yours and you can’t get along with? Any thoughts?

Invite…Rejected

  Your relationship is going pretty smooth. You found someone who shares common interests, who is kind and listens to you, so what’s next? You passed the three month mark? Check.  Your friends met them? Check. Your friends approve? Check. Your parents met them? Check. Your parents approved? Denied.

Though the situation is common, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. When your parents hate who you are with, whether they are vocal or not, about your relationship- it makes your relationship that much harder. I’m not going to argue about who knows best between an adult and a parent, but what I do know if that sometimes other people (in general) see things that we don’t see.

When you are in a relationship, especially in the beginning stages, we think that everything about a person is great. {For future reference, I always use a three mark rule. Not necessarily the no sex rule that Steve Harvey promotes, but I know that it takes me at least three months to tell whether or not I truly like a person.} During those first ninety days, you are even more vulnerable to over look things and let some things slide. Friends and family often have that other type of vision that sees through the possible B.S. that we can’t.

My advice to those who are in that position is to hear out what others have to say (not everyone, but those who have your best interests in mind), and weigh out the pros and cons of what they are saying and determine the merit behind it. I’m a firm believer of everything happens for a reason. For instance, if all of the family and friends you introduce your new squeeze to gets a bad vibe…everybody can’t be wrong. However, if your friend doesn’t like your boyfriend because he’s really ugly, that’s their problem. Really consider the motive behind your family or friends telling you about not liking your boyfriend/girlfriend, and also consider whether the stress of not being able to share your happiness with someone who is close to you worth the trouble.

Not Your Daddy

“Indescribable love”, “a greater sense of responsibility”, “nervousness”, and “makes u want to be a better person,” are words that describe the feelings of the birth of one father’s daughter. Notice the word father is used here instead of dad. There is a grave distinction between the two and I believe that fathers should be celebrated and recognized, instead of dads and sperm donors.

First and foremost, let me define these two terms. ‘Dad’ and ‘sperm donor’ can almost be used interchangeably. A ‘sperm donor’ is just that; not there physically there, and even when confronted, is in total denial or flat out doesn’t care about his child(ren). A ‘dad’ is a sperm donor who contributes when convenient. For example, he has ten children and brags about them, but does not take care of them or see them; or he enters his child’s life when something significant happens in their life.

A father simply cannot be confused with the other two terms. A father takes care of his child(ren)’s needs- physical, emotional, and financial- without court or anybody else asking or begging them to. A father wants the best for his child. He does what it takes to keep his family happy. A father talks to his child(ren), and is genuinely interested and involved in their child’s life. A father makes his child(ren) a priority. And a father spends time with his child(ren) and does not babysit them.

So, this coming Sunday (and other days too), let all the real men who are fathers know how important they are in your life and to society as a whole. There are way too many dads out there who aren’t handling their business and allowing women or the justice system to raise men. If you are a father, keep doing what you’re doing and I truly appreciate you!

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY