The Art of Compromise

  According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word compromise means:

                  a way of reaching agreement in which each person or group

                  gives up something that was wanted in order to end an

                 argument or dispute.

So in other words, you’re arguing about what you could possibly do instead of what you won’t do. Two partners mutually agree to something in order to keep the peace. Sounds easy, right? Not a chance, but it’s a part of being a mature adult.

The art of compromise means that there’s some sort of give and take. Not every argument should be same person “knuckling under” every time. As a matter of fact, each party does in a way. For instance, “Last time I agreed to do the dishes and you do the cooking, so this time I will cook and you do the dishes.” Create the most fair approach possible. You don’t want to end up in a relationship where you are the only giver. Those are annoying. I am a firm believer in a relationship (friendships too) being equal. It’s just hard to trust a ‘taker.’

Compromising means that you learn how to pick your battles. If you find yourself arguing all the time, maybe you need to rethink your relationship. No couple is going to be rosy all the time and you’re going to have disagreements from time to time, but it should be more of a happy medium. Should you start an argument every time your partner comes home and ignores you because they are working on a project? No. Instead, state your feelings and discuss them with your mate. Try to take the “You always” language out and replace it with, “I feel ___ because ___” and “I want ____ .”

EXAMPLE: It makes me angry when you come in the house and ignore me. I want you to come in and speak to me for five or ten minutes, work for an hour or two, then I would like to spend some time with you.

Am I an expert in the art of compromising? Nope. Just making my way through the best way I know how. What’s your take?

My Wifey

First of all, there is a bit of a difference between ‘wife’ and ‘wifey’. Let’s just get that out in the open. Wifey is a girlfriend or fiancee that is wife material. Men and women view this role differently. Men could: a. not wife you; or b. consider wifing you or moving in that direction. If you are a wifey, you need to figure out which category you’re in.

Women a lot of times put themselves in category B and start acting as if they have graduated to wife-hood. Ladies- stop it. If you start doing everything a wife does, why should you graduate? Trust me, it’s hard to stay in your role and not cross over. You hungry? Sure, I’ll cook something for us. You need to wash some clothes? Sure you can add your clothes to mine in the washing machine. It becomes really sticky if you cross boundaries, for example, if you live together or if you’ve been together for fifteen years. A man (and sometimes wifey) gets comfortable and sees no point in making the relationship official.

A wife, on the other hand, has the ‘wifey’ duties and some. We have made that commitment to you through God, to be with you forever. Wifey could be there today and get sick of you and peace out tomorrow because she can. A wife is committed to making herself and her husband (and vise versa of course) happy. Wifey could, but they aren’t obligated to. A wife has financial, emotional, spiritual, social and everything personal connected to her husband. Wifey may have one or two out of four (if you have all of the above, you’re doing too much).

Any thoughts? How did you move from wifey to wife or are you stuck in the wifey role?

Reason Being

  Everything and everybody should have purpose. Purpose is important because it is the reason that you get up and do things. The reason why you are with someone. The reason why you work towards something.

Everything happens for a reason. I am a firm believer in that. And, people are in your life for a reason as well. If somebody’s there just to be there then they have no purpose. What I mean is, if they are draining you mentally, physically, financially, emotionally- they have no purpose and they gotta go.

What’s the point of holding on to something or somebody who isn’t drawing interest or carrying any weight? Why are you holding yourself back from reaching your goals, or your potential? You are maximizing your time and effort and overall purpose to contribute to something or somebody who has made no contribution to your life. And for what?

Think about this… Where would you be if you let go of your ex or that one person you want to be with so bad but it’s not mutual? Where would you be if you reorganized your space (in your mind, body, soul, and physical space)? Who knows, you could be inadvertently blocking your blessing because you’re comfortable where you are, don’t want to have hurt feelings, or simply scared of the unknown. Stop it. Reevaluate your life. I’m willing to bet that there’s something or someone there that shouldn’t be.

Personally, I am all about purpose. People who know me have heard me say, “ What is his/her purpose” or “That has no purpose” time and time again. But here’s the thing. I need to know why you’re in my life, and if you shouldn’t be, then you won’t be. I don’t care how that sounds because it’s the truth. I spent many a day carrying unnecessary baggage only to lose part of my life and create unwanted stress. And at the end of the day, I had nothing to show for it. I don’t want or have ‘just because’ friendships. You’re either a friend or you’re not. If we’re associates, we’re talking because we’re cool and there is a reason we keep in touch. You add some type of purpose or joy to my life and I WANT you there. If you get cut off, the cons outweigh the pros and it must be for the best.

My best advice for all is to seriously evaluate all aspects of your life. Clean out your closet, so to speak. Get rid of everything and everybody who doesn’t bring any value to your life. I guarantee you will feel like a brand new person. And don’t just do this once. Constant reevaluation takes practice, but it prevents unneeded stress and it’s well worth it.

Are You Serious?

Every now and then you come across something that’ll make you say….huh? Check this out. I go on vacation and come back to hear some of the weirdest, nastiest thing ever. Who the hell came up with the brilliant idea to sell their pregnancy tests? WTF?? And it’s got the nerve to be a trend? So there’s more than one gross heffa out there?

Umm… ladies. Did you forget that you peed on that damn stick? How sanitary can it possibly be to touch someone else’s pee stick? I wouldn’t want to touch my own, let alone someone else’s! And to sweeten the pot, sell your fresh urine to seal the deal. What is wrong with these people??

The only conclusion that I can come up with is that it’s used for trickery. “Ha ha. I told you I was pregnant!” Or, “Now you have to marry me!” And if you have to do all that to trick a man into staying with you, then what kind of dysfunctional relationship do you have going on? IF you can call it a relationship. I tell you, if crazy people used their minds for something more productive… . SMH

The Tunnel

  Down in the dumps or just ‘sad’ cannot begin to describe a common mental health disease which effects one out of ten adults. Depression is a serious illness that is not taken as seriously as it should. Some believe that it’ll go away on its own. Or, “I’m not talking to no shrink.” Either way, problems don’t get solved and those individuals go undiagnosed, under the radar, or worse, wish for death. There are numerous types and symptoms of the disease.

Types

Major Depression: Clinical, long lasting, and debilitating.

Bipolar Depression: (This seems to be a fad. Not everyone who has mood swings has bipolar depression.). Here you have major ups (known as mania or manic episodes) and major lows (depression) which alternate.

Cyclothymia: Mild version of bipolar disorder.

Dysthymia: Chronic (more than two years), but less severe than Major Depression.

Seasonal Depression (SAD): This begins at the same time each year based on the season.

Postpartum: Depression kicks in usually one month after mothers give birth.

Atypical: Mild depression with bouts of happiness.

Psychotic: A mix of depression and psychotic features (i.e. hallucinations or delusions).

Situational: Basically, if you weren’t experiencing a particular situation, you wouldn’t have depression symptoms (ex. unemployment, health issues, mourning a death).

Symptoms

Overwhelming sadness, withdrawn, mood swings, crying episodes, appetite and sleep changes (too much or too little), suicidal thoughts, giving away possessions, feeling of worthlessness and feeling hopeless, void of feelings, loss of interest in activities, decreased energy. Children and teens may refuse to go to school, claim to have a lot of aches and pains, sulk a lot, or be clingy.

What’s Next

Some people hate taking pills. Some people don’t want to talk. There’s no cure all when it comes to depression. There are many things that you can do, but sitting back and waiting for the chips to fall as they may is not one of them (especially when children and teenagers are taking their own lives due to this disease).

– Talk with a mental health specialist (social worker, psychiatrist, counselor, therapist). That’s what they are trained to do. It is also part of their oath to be nonjudgmental. I know pride is why a lot of people don’t turn to professionals, but when you need help you need help.

– If you don’t talk to a professional, talk to someone who is close. It’s not healthy to keep everything bottled up. And believe it or not, communication is very therapeutic.

– Get prescription anti-depressants. You would have to see a psychiatrist for the prescription (and maybe even a therapist too).

– Don’t go at it alone, especially if you are suicidal. Spend time with family and friends who truly care about your well-being. Being alone at this time in particular is not safe.

-If you know someone who is depressed, don’t ignore the signs. Listen to them, be there, and encourage them to seek professional help (especially if they are suicidal or worse, homicidal). Depression is way deeper than just being sad or grumpy. It’s something to take seriously.

Follower Appreciation

  First and foremost, thank you followers for taking the time to read my posts and leave comments. As a thank you, I would like to give you the chance to choose the topic for my June blogs. Please click on the link below and cast your vote no later than Monday, June 3rd.

 

http://poll.fm/48v3s

The Game

   It’s Saturday night. You’ve got on your tightest pants or shortest dress. Your high heels, dangling earrings, and Mac lip gloss. You and your girlfriends ride together, and within thirty, you arrive at your destination. The club. And as a woman, what do you expect when you first step in? Wack lines. Whomp whomp.

Now granted, I haven’t been out clubbing with my girls in a while. Matter of fact, I have even fallen asleep in a couple because it’s not my thing anymore. But I can guarantee one thing without even having to step back into one- there’s going to be a lot of drunk men with no game.  So fellas, if you do anything on this list… STOP IT IMMEDIATELY!

1. “Hey ma.” For starters, I am not your ma, boo, boo thang, sweet thang, girl, or any other variation. Secondly, you are men. Please have some manners before stepping up on somebody. And lastly, if you don’t know my name and you substitute it with “ma,” it wasn’t meant to be.

2. “Lemme holla at chu.” No.

3. “Why you look so mean?” This line should not be a one size fits all type of deal. You hear this all the time. If you want to say something, bring some substance to the conversation. But think about it for a minute. If you were walking through a crowded, funky room and getting bumped constantly and your feet stepped on or even have a drink spilled on them, you would be frowning too. Or if you’re on a mission, for example, headed to the bar or the bathroom, sometimes you aren’t aware of your facial expressions. So fellas, I’m gonna tell you a little secret. This line is tired and annoying. So stop it!

4. “You can’t have friends?” Are you kidding me? Say the shoe was on the other foot. Say I hook up with my new club friend and we end up in a relationship. Would you be okay with me getting new club “friends?” Hell no! You’re selfish.

5. The nonverbal grab. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m not going to say anything, but instead I’ll just grab your arm, butt, breast, or whatever. I had one guy that was bold enough to jump on my back after I ignored him grabbing my arm and the back of my shirt. This is just totally unacceptable on all levels. Why are you touching me? What do you want? Get your hands off me. All pop into my head when I see or experience this. This is definitely not a turn on. Don’t touch me. Moving on.

6. The stare. This is just creepy. I know you guys are just trying to see if you can catch a woman’s eye, but damn. Didn’t your mama teach you that staring is rude? Staring in any situation is weird and uncomfortable, but add the dark and an active atmosphere to the mix. I’m gonna just think that you’re plain ole crazy or a stalker.

Do you have any weak lines that you can add?

To Be or Not To Be With

   Recently, I’ve had a couple of conversations with a few of friends of mine in regards to dating. Now granted, I am no longer dating, but it is still an interesting topic to discuss. The topic of choice was basically compromise. When you are just stepping into the dating world, you have a couple of things on your wish list that you want in your partner. A few years later, that list grows and grows. When you hit the mid to late twenties, that list becomes damn near impossible for anybody to match (I know that I’m not just talking about the ladies here). If you are still single in your thirties, suddenly, one or two things fall off. Those one or two things are called compromises.

Now, the question is…why can’t I have what I want or why shouldn’t I get exactly what I want? Because, sometimes our standards are set too high. Not to say that you shouldn’t set the bar somewhere. I’m just pointing out that maybe you shouldn’t shoot for the stars and expect perfection.

A week or two ago, (of course I can’t remember who voted and where) on the internet there was a post about the “Perfect Man.” About two thousand women voted, and this fifty-year-old, slightly pudgy man with an accent was the result. They described the type of hair and eyes, what he did for a living, etc., but what they mainly described was physical attributes. (And for the record, the picture I saw of the man was not attractive.) But, just physical attributes and how a person makes money does not make the man.  What if you meet a gorgeous doctor who beats on you? Fine + a well-respected profession≠ does not always mean a good person at heart.

The point is, there is no cookie-cutter perfect guy, but there is a perfect person for each one of us. What’s best for me is not going to be best for you. Sometimes you have to compromise to get that custom made person. And what you choose to compromise is your business, whether it be your religious beliefs, children are already in the picture, their marital status (and I’m talking divorced, single, or maybe separated)- you get the picture. Your “perfect” man or woman could be out there right now that you’re overlooking because they don’t make $100,000 per year or because they don’t own a Bentley. Sometimes we have to give up a lil something to fully achieve and appreciate happiness.

Does Size Really Matter?

   For starters, get your mind out of the gutter. I’m not even gonna go there with that touchy subject, but instead I’ll approach another. Ring size. Does how many carats in a ring determine what type of marriage you’ll have? Does it dictate what kind of man a woman is marrying (for example, cheap versus generous)? My answer is no to both and let me tell you why.

Of course most women want a big diamond. Nobody, and let me repeat, nobody is going to ask or secretly wish for a diamond that they cannot see. For one, bigger looks better. And two, bragging rights. Let me repeat, nobody is gonna want to show off a diamond that you need a magnifying glass to see. But here’s the thing. A piece of jewelry does not represent your marriage or what it could be. For example, Tom Cruise presented Katie Holmes with a five carat platinum ring which cost $275,000. Ben Affleck proposed to Jennifer Lopez with a six carat diamond that cost two million. We all know what happened in these two situations, but let me break it down. These guys spent beaucoup money on relationships that didn’t last more than eight years (combined). You cannot put more into an object than a lifelong partnership. Objects do not and cannot determine quality, which is the purpose of marriage not whose is biggest.

Style should be more or less judged more than money spent on a ring. If you know your partner well enough to marry them, then you should be able to pick out their taste. Fellas, I’m going to give you a huge suggestion when it comes to jewelry (maybe even clothes). If you don’t know her exact taste or if you picked something out that you’re unsure of, take a peek in her jewelry box or what she wears. Now granted you shouldn’t buy an exact replica, but simply a similar style.

How much money a man has does not make the man. You could be the richest man in the world and still be a jackass. Or you could be the poorest man in the world and have the most caring heart. Trust me, this article is not an out for men to go out and look for a two hundred dollar ring (before it went on sale) to propose with, but moreso this is an article to point out that money, status, and fanciness do not always produce happiness. It’s what you and your partner contribute to making your marriage work.

Actin Brand New

   It’s the beginning of a brand new year. If you’re like me, you’ve been thinking, “2013- that’s going to be MY year.” New beginnings, fresh start, clean slate. When you think of January 1^st, we automatically start thinking of a list of resolutions that we know full well that aren’t gonna make it past January. So what can we do instead? Instead develop short term and long term goals and maybe even a timeline to help you help yourself. {If you literally moaned and groaned about me asking you to do “too much work,” read this article to its entirety first and then decide your fate:)}

 

What is the point of all this?

The point is to shoot for something. To give yourself direction and purpose. Nobody wants to feel defeated or to walk around and not have a purpose. There’s no better feeling than feeling like you’ve achieved something. A lot of times when we make New Year’s resolutions, we do it verbally. But with goals, these need to be written down and followed step by step. Last year, I wrote a blog about vision boards. These are very much acceptable too. Anything to get your mind and body moving towards success.

 Aren’t goals just like resolutions?

Yes and no. Goals can be things that you want to change or improve, but they are also there to hold you accountable. Accountability is so important. That’s your motivation. You put it in writing, so now you have to back it up. Resolutions, on the other hand, can be broken and forgotten within two weeks.

What am I supposed to do with these goals?

Write them out. Be specific as possible but don’t have too many. Too many goals are just like too many rules in the classroom- overwhelming. Create two or three goals and write out measurable steps to get there. Imagine what it would look like if you accomplished your goals and work backwards, if that helps. After you have written out your goals, you need to display them somewhere; somewhere where you can see them all the time. I recently read somewhere that if other people see what you’re working towards, they might hold you accountable too and maybe even check in every now and then to see if you are still on track.

What do you mean by timeline?

Draw up a timeline of when you want your goals met. For short term goals, maybe goal one can be achieved in three months. After that is out of the way, maybe you can write in goal two for the following month, and so on. For long term goals, you could perhaps make a One Year, Five Year, Ten Year spreadsheet instead. Either way, your timeline needs to be visible so that you can see if you’re on track.

Ladies and gentlemen, just look at this as a blueprint of your future and take it from there. You can’t complain about not getting what you want if you sit back and wait for it to come your way. Sometimes you just gotta go out there and get it yourself. Good luck!